Every time I go out tarted up, and by all accounts looking lovely, I come home very lonely. However, I seem to get a lot more attention from men when I am in line at the market in my jeans with my hair pulled back. I feel much more coquettish and happy with myself when I am dolled up, but, considering the results, it seems that I should lay off the blue shadow and the whorish lips. Should I sacrifice my aesthetics to get results? Or should I follow my instincts and wait for the proper man to follow my scent?
Little Red Riding Alone Hood
Hey there, Little Red Riding Alone Hood. You sure are looking good. You are, in fact, everything that a big, bad wolf would want*. And, apparently, he (all the hes) want you in a Billy Joel way, which is just the way you are**. The advice I'm gonna give you-- from one whorish tart*** to another-- is this: nix the blue jeans and double-up on the frosted blue. Everyone knows that boys like the trashy girls best of all. Stay dolled-up, dollop. But as you (and Janie Fricke, as well) well know, it ain't easy being easy.**** So keep your chin up, and jut them boobies out, my foxy poetess. Them mens that truly deserve your attention will take notice.*****
* This song, oddly, used to absolutely terrify me. So my mother would take out her false teeth (which also terrified me) and chase me around the house singing it. She also used to sing the Debbie Boone song "You Light Up My Life" and follow me around with a lighter, which also, also terrified me.
** Of course he was singing about Christie Brinkley and who wouldn't love her just the way she is, eh? (+see below...)
*** "Whorish Tart" would make a good name for a dessert. Would need to contain cherries, chocolate, whipped cream, oysters, Spanish fly, rhinoceros horn, and horny goat weed.
**** Janie Fricke: Whatever happened to her?
***** Here's a picture of me and Little Red Riding Alone Hood in front of the Warfield theater in San Francisco last month, where we went to a concert. Do I even need to mention who we went to see?
(+I've been corrected by an expert. "Just the Way You Are" was written for BJ's first wife. Even so-- it's a dumb song.)