Life goes on and so does finance! It's Christmas day and the middle of Chanukah, but money takes no holidays. So here's part two of our talk with Scrooge McDuck about the Bernard Madoff affair. (Feh, feh! "Beets should grow in his belly!")
MS: There was a long article in the New York Times entitled, "In Madoff scandal, Jews feel an acute sense of betrayal."
Scrooge McDuck: Yeah, that's a big load of horse shit. I'll admit there have been times in my life when my faith has wavered, but never again. This Madoff incident is a supreme metaphysical gift. Once and for all, it has really made me believe in G-d.
MS: What a strange thing to say!
Scrooge McDuck: Well, let me put it differently. It's made me believe in intelligent design. You see, the whole Madoff thing could not possibly have happened by accident. It's just too fantastic. Consider the name "J. Ezra Merkin." This was one of Madoff's chief money conduits, the man who got Madoff the endowment funds from Yeshiva University. No ordinary human could have come up with the name "J. Ezra Merkin."
MS: Isn't a "merkin" a pubic hair wig?
Scrooge McDuck: Exactly. Only G-d could think of that name. Or if not G-d, then some hyperintelligent, supremely creative life form sitting at a computer terminal somewhere in the tenth dimension playing games with us. Isaac Singer once compared G-d to a writer of pulp novels, "page turners," and now I see that this is not just a metaphor. It's literally true! If you want to know G-d, don't waste your time with Gershom Scholem or Martin Buber or any other eggheads. You've got to read Jackie Collins and Danielle Steele. You've got to deeply understand "The Other Side of Midnight," by Sidney Sheldon. Above all -- and I'm hardly the first to say this -- you've got to study "The Godfather," both the book and the first two movies. And also the Bible itself, of course.
MS: You're saying "The Godfather" reveals the secrets of life?
Scrooge McDuck: I'm saying it reveals the mind of God, and the Madoff scandal does the same thing. But we'll have to stop now. For me, speaking of these matters brings an on an irresistible urge for Torah study. There will be more time for Madoff later.
MS: "More Time for Madoff" would be a good name for a television show.
Scrooge McDuck: It's playing right now in the Upper Worlds!