So here it is, the last day of my week as guest blogger. I’d like to think that I have somehow, in some small way, made the world a better place. Or at the very least, that I haven’t embarrassed my very gracious hosts, Stacey Harwood and David Lehman, who I thank very, very much for giving me the opportunity to talk about weird things.I was nervous at first that I wouldn’t have enough to write about, but I now realize that I have greatly underestimated my vast stores of useless knowledge and could have continued writing for months on end. Some of the things that I didn’t get around to:
The Gaslight Anthem: What a great band. They’re from New Jersey and feel to me like a cross between Springsteen and Social Distortion, but better. That’s right, I said “better.” I had the chance to see them live and it was one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. Make sure you check them out (I recommend their 2nd album, The ’59 Sound).
Hunting for Bigfoot: We didn’t want to “hunt” him, just find him. My friend Steve called me in the middle of the night once and talked to me for 2 hours about this great plan he had to head out to Washington State and find the elusive Sasquatch. The next day I was greatly dismayed to learn that he had a 105° fever and had been hallucinating the night before. He remembered none of the conversation and, in fact, possessed none of the Bigfoot hunting tools we required.
The Screenplay I’m Writing With My Brother Rick About Bigfoot: Totally unrelated to the above. So far, we’ve written three scenes and picked out the music for the opening credits.
UFOs: I have read every book ever written on UFOs. I have read hundreds of reports of sightings. I am fully prepared, mentally and physically, to witness such an event as occurred at the Bentwaters Air Force Base in Rendlesham Forest, Suffolk, England during late December, 1980. I even live in the middle of the woods. And yet I have never seen a UFO. This infuriates me to no end.
The Alien Taking Soil Samples On a Golf Course in Lincoln Park, NJ: After we drove of the road and across the golf course in the middle of the night, it turned out not to be an alien taking soil samples, just a Coke machine, in the middle of the course, that was left on. I bought a Sprite. But honestly, it did look like an alien taking soil samples from far away.
The Time I Befriended a Professional Pickpocket and Con-Man in New Orleans Who Was Traveling with Two 18-Year-Old Strippers He Used as a Distraction and How He Taught Me To Do Coin Tricks That Would Get Me Free Drinks in Bars and Didn’t Steal Any of My Money Even When I Passed Out in That Alley: This one’s kind of self-explanatory.
Robert Shaw in Jaws: The most perfect acting display of all-time. Right, Mist-ah Hoop-ah?
The Time My Brother Mike Got Really Sick With Allergies at Disney World and Had to Ride in a Wheelchair and Then It Started Rolling Down a Hill: Actually, I wrote a poem about this one which can be read right here.
Desert Island Items: I had a whole section here, but it would just start arguments, so I erased it. If you all could have behaved yourselves, then maybe I would’ve left it.
The 1953 Recording of Tosca with Maria Callas, Conducted by Victor de Sabata: And I don’t even speak Italian!
General George S. Patton: Actually, there’s not a whole lot I could have told you because I am not a General George S. Patton scholar, so I probably would have had my brother Mike ghostwrite that post.
The First Time I Went to Wo-Hop (The Downstairs One) at 17 Mott Street in Chinatown at Five In The Morning After Spending 20 Hours Doing Work As An Extra In a Charlie Sheen Movie and Finding a Chinese Dwarf in Biker Leather Sitting On The Counter: The first time I went to Wo-Hop (the downstairs one) at 17 Mott Street in Chinatown at five in the morning after spending 20 hours doing work as an extra in a Charlie Sheen movie there was as Chinese dwarf in biker leather sitting on the counter.
The Honeymooners and National Lampoon’s Vacation: 90% of my daily conversations take the form of quotes from these two sources.
Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy as Constructed By Albert Ellis: That one actually is a little technical and may not be of interest to anyone not studying psychotherapy in general or Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy in specific.
Maybe one of these days I’ll actually start updating my own blog (www.crazyapplepress.blogspot.com) with some of the above-mentioned items. But until then, you’ll just have to wait until you run into me to hear those stories. Thanks for reading. Really.