The Time Suck: A Bit O' Live, Pre-Globes Blogging [by Emma Trelles]

 
6:21 pm -  Ryan Seacrest is killing minutes on the red carpet by pretending to be interested in Jennifer Love Hewitt.

 

6:23 pm -  Seconds after her pre, pre-show commentary ends, Giuliana Rancic, the E! channel's chief reporter (for lack of a better word), has already switched into a strapless black gown. I wonder how many more dresses she'll cram into the evening. I have no idea who's the hot blond Aussie she's interviewing (above). Neither does she.

 

6:25 pm -  I wish Mark would come home and make martinis.

 

6:37  pm - Seacrest talking makeup with Mark Salling from Glee, who appears to have grown a strip of soul patch over his noggin. A slew of  Gleester girls preening on the carpet. Real celebs must be dawdling in their black Priuses until the kids clear out. Wait, there's Alec Baldwin!

 

6:41 pm -  Baldwin sounds sort of torchy. Is he finally out? I hope so!

 

6:45 pm - Scott Caan is a wee man who just peered down Giuliana's decolletage. Non-celeb g.f. doesn't notice. Wake up, woman.

 

6:46 pm - Elisabeth Moss's skin (at left)  resembles a pearl mousse made exclusively for the Kraken (at right). She must sit around rubbing La Mer into her pores all day. How many more months until Mad Men returns?

 

6: 50 pm -  Ricky Gervais in big black sunglasses talking about how he's going to knock a few brews back before he hosts the Globes. "Beer's not an alcoholic drink in England."

 

6:51 pm -  Just realized I'm on DVR time! My painstaking chronology is all off. Arghghgh

 

6:55 pm - Staggering down the carpet in Davy Crockett hair extensions and netted couch pillows - Helena Bonham Carter. Oh dude, she's wearing two different color shoes.

 

6:58 pm -   Why is E!   teasing the trash triplet Kardashians in a big pop up box  while the immaculate Natalie Portman is floating up the stairs? She looks like a petal in that pink draped gown, and I'll forgive the Conehead updo because a) she's pregnant and still is b) wearing red stilettos.

 

7:03 pm -  Jason Segal looking ooold. When did that happen? Maybe I've been living in the past with too much Freaks and Geeks (Bless you IFC). Jimmy Fallon next to him, also looking more doughy than his years allow. Both of them are strangely aspiring to Mad Men Brylcreem hair, but on them it looks more storefront mannequin than dashing Draper. Maybe I'm just evil because Mark just told me that there's no Vermouth.

 

7:04 pm -  Time to look for wine.

 

7:09 pm - Three quarters of  The  Fashion Police (missing the awesome Joan Rivers) are making nice-nice about Helena Bonham Carter (so quirky! such an original!), but you know they're going to shred her like wolverines on their next show.

7:10 pm -  Nicole Kidman literally looming two feet above Seacrest and her urban cowboy husband, Keith something or the other. Kidman's forehead oddness continues.

7:11 pm -  Seacrest asking Justin Bieber about how his fans might actually be crying when they see his Powerful Emotions on display in his upcoming movie: All Roads Lead to Corey Haim.

 

7:15 pm - Jane Lynch looking all shimmery black and fab (at right). Julianne Moore wearing a screaming fuchsia dress. Missing a very long  puff-sleeve. I wish someone would tear the other one off.

 

 
7:20 pm -  Galactically gorgeous Sofia Vergara (above) sharing her beauty tips, which include plugging EasyTone Reeboks. Yeah.  As if the rest of us could power walk our way to her alien perfection. I bet she does vodka  and  Pall Malls for breakfast. 

 

7:27 pm -  More coma-convo about diet and exercise, this time with Black Swan succubus Mila Kunis. Why doesn't anyone say the truth?  " I eat a cube of cheese every other day and am bedding my trainer."

 

7:28 pm -   Brangelina arrives. Yawn.

 

7:28:30  pm -  Lots of green and sparkle on the carpet tonight. I never met a sequin I didn't like.

 

7:28 pm to 7:35 pm - Victorian looking Twilight dude, Ryan Gosling, super cool  I-don't-care-what-kind-of-movie-I-make-just-pay-me -bitches Milla Jovovich, who, for the record, was brilliant in Dummy (at left as the fiercely indie slacker, Fangora).

 

7:40 pm -  Halle Barry is probably the most naturally striking and poised woman in this starfucking mess, of which I am now a minion, courtesy of Typepad and my own sad little interests.

 

7:42 pm -  Anne Hathaway is covered in scales!

 

7:43 pm -   JLo has swapped her WhiskeyGold spray tan for BlizzardPure, except for the fringe of kitten tail someone's glued to her eyelids. Poor kitty.

 

7:50 pm -   Really going for the wine now. Bring forth the Globes!