This entry is a continuation of our last blog entry in which Nicole promised to describe to everyone her “little bitch world” in which everything is a bitch. Now, not only does Nicole’s little bitch world brew bitch coffee, but the people read bitch books at the bitch library. Maybe you want directions to Nicole’s Town of Bitch. Maybe, you’ve driven through this town before. When I asked Nicole where Bitch Town is she said it’s just up the road, that I wouldn’t miss it. She said that there’s one grocery store, one coffee shop, one hospital, and one library. All the residence of Bitch wake up early and drink Bitch coffee (the coffee beans are from Bitches County). The bitches go to the grocery store and fill their carts with cans of Bitch food. They stop off at the hospital to visit their old, Bitch mothers. Then they go to the library and read about how to grow a Bitch from scratch. By the time they get home it is time to cook dinner, and by nightfall everyone in Bitch Town is lying in bed counting bitches. They fall asleep and dream only bitch dreams.
I couldn’t help but respond to Nicole’s description of the Town of the Bitch. I had to get in my car and drive up the road to see it for myself. This is what I found, in case any of you are looking for a nice place to move to:
1. In the town of the Bitch, bitching is a sacred art. Everyone must bitch. Men, women, children, infants, dogs . . .
2. But there are problems. In recent years, for example, a new type of citizen has emerged, a serene citizen. The citizens are alarmed by the presence of these new and serene citizens in their midst, and refer to them only as Mr. and Ms. Serenity. What are they hiding behind their polite smiles? they ask one another.
3. Meanwhile the average person continues to bitch, not only for themselves but also for Mr. and Ms. Serenity.
4. Recent research suggests a correlation between the number of hours one bitches and the integrity of a person. For this reason, no one trusts Mr. and Ms. Serenity.
5. Sometimes Mr. and Ms. Serenity dream of bitching. They thrash and swear and wake in their beds, sheets soaked, swear words escaping their lips. But how to make them bitch in public, like everyone else? medical experts wonder.
6. Therapists call Mr. and Mrs. Serenity les homme manques, likening them to those humans whose essential ingredients are missing.
7. According to The Joy of Bitching, the ability to bitch, like the ability to achieve orgasms, can be lost forever through lack of practice.
8. A lifetime without bitching can render a man impotent, a woman frigid, and both eternally forgettable, much like puffy white clouds on a serenely blue sky.
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post where I will discuss some of my favorite bitching poems.