Piccolo flute: ears’ toothpick.
Piccolo’s passages: scraping of the nervous system.
Flute: skeleton of an exotic bird.
Flute in the low register: unheard of.
Alto flute: melted flute.
Bass flute: imaginary friend that makes an occasional imaginary appearance.
Block flute: a child’s toy, requiring a highly specialized professional to perform.
Oboe: permanently out-of-tune instrument, so much so that the rest of the orchestra has to tune to it.
Oboe: harmonics’ condenser.
Oboist: a man who always tastes his instrument before playing it and smacks his lips in satisfaction.
English horn: is neither English nor a horn.
First clarinet: exhibitionist of circular breathing technique.
Clarinet (instrumentation advice): don't write p (piano, i.e., quietly) for clarinet or he will melt into his musicianship and vanish without a trace.
Bass clarinet: unfunny bassoon.
Bassoon: royal jester.
Contrabassoon: grandfather of the royal jester.
Contrabassoon’s staccato: old king's farts.
French horns: cellos of the brass section with violinists' ambitions. Please note: 1. Horns do not have horns, but curves. 2. French-horn players are, supposedly, good kissers, but not everything that has French in its name is either French or sexy (French fries, for example).
Piccolo trumpet: spilled silver.
Trombones: howling bones.
Trombones: throw a glissando at them and see what happens.
Bass trombone: Mr. Macho-Machissimo, married to Tuba.
Tuba: the golden halo of the orchestra.
Mute for the tuba: Wouldn't you wish to have one for your spouse?
Celesta: music box, always sounding ahead of the orchestra.
Orchestral pianist: percussionist who cannot count.
Percussion section: the brains of the orchestra.
Symbols crash: time to wake up!
Timpanist: arrogant percussionist.
Harp: amplifier of silence.
Harpist: a harpy in disguise.
Harp: skeleton of the piano.
Piano: a coffin for a harp.
Piano: 88 keys for the unlocked door.
Violin: prima donna of the orchestra.
Viola: Prince in exile.
Cello: soul of the orchestra.
Contrabass section: a mythological tortoise on which this world (i.e., orchestra) is built. Slow and clumsy, but it is the foundation and all depends on its solid dependability.
Contrabassist: a man who carries his coffin.