The Best American Poetry

Prehistoric Women (by Mitch Sisskind)

 

 

 

For more than a year now I've resided only a few blocks from the little cemetery where Marilyn Monroe's crypt may be found. This cemetery is in the middle of the busy Westwood area of Los Angeles, near UCLA, but it can't be seen from the street. You have to know where to find it and you have to make some time to go there. So one day last week, on my way home from the library, I set aside some time. It was easy, because I really don't have anything very important to do.

I found Marilyn's crypt without difficulty and placed a dime on top of her brass name plate. There was quite a bit of change there already although none shows in this picture. The truth is I've never been very interested in Marilyn Monroe. But whenever I think of Laurette Luez, the actress pictured below -- and I think of her quite often -- I remember Marilyn as well. You see, it was Laurette Luez who thought of a new name for Norma Jeane Baker.

Laurette was in the same "freshman class" of Hollywood starlets as Marilyn. She had a theory that an effective name should unconsciously call to mind some powerful association. In Laurette's own case it was "Suez," which she hoped would suggest smoldering exoticism. For Marilyn it's a little trickier. One explanation might be the link between President James Monroe and the so-called "Era of Good Feeling."

Well, I'll let you young people go along your way now. But before I depart, some of you -- or at least one of you -- may be wondering why I so often think of Laurette Luez.

Very well! Laurette Luez starred in a film called "Prehistoric Women," made in 1950. It had first first produced as a silent in the 1920s and was remade again in the late 60s. It's a great film in its way and I recommend it to anyone who has a chance to see it. One of the best scenes is a catfight between cave girl Laurette and her rival -- I'll have to look up her name -- who was actually even hotter than the lead actress. A cunning bit of casting there!

And now, the dénouement! One day in 1988 I was speaking with Roger Corman, the famous low budget producer and director, for whom I had just written a script called "Quest of the Sword Mistress." The film was going to be shot in Peru and before he signed off on it Corman wanted to make sure there were enough breast reveals -- one every ten pages or so. Corman seemed to me like a deeply bi-polar individual. Sometimes garrulous, sometimes dour, and often a bit sadistic with the poor schmucks who were reduced to working for him. In any case, as he leafed absently through the pages of my script I heard myself asking, "Roger, did you ever see a movie called Prehistoric Women?"

Corman looked up immediately. Suddenly he seemed sharply focused, hyper alert. Then a dreamy, wistful look appeared in his eyes. "Laurette Luez -- "

"Yes!"

"She was....very beautiful."

"I would not dispute you, Socrates."

"Did you know that she married the director?"

"I did not know that."

The moment quickly passed. "Mitch, just make sure we see some breasts before page thirty --"

Laurette Luez died in 1999. Her grave is in Milton, Florida. Have a great day! 

 

"Push off, and sitting well in order smite the sounding furrows, for my purpose holds to seek a newer world..."

            You've heard of the
              Day of the Dead?

          This is the

     Day of the Duck!

 

That's right! The bullshit stops now! It's been fifteen years since the last issue of The Stud Duck rolled off the presses -- and we think it's quite enough time, thank you very much. So an entirely new issue of this amazing literary magazine is going to hit the newsstands before Christmas. And we don't mean Christmas of 2020 or Christmas of 2015. We mean less than three weeks from today!



Jerry Pudnik is the Publisher of The Stud Duck.







Yes, issue number seven of The Stud Duck is coming your way. Not just in cyberspace either. We're talking about real paper and real ink. And it's going to be FREE too -- but only if (and it's a big if) you can get your hands on one of the very limited number of copies we can afford to print in this sinking economy. So keep your eyes right here on The Best American Poetry to find out how you can get your copy of The Stud Duck 7 come Christmas!

    But that's not all! Not by a long shot!

We're inviting readers of The Best American Poetry (that means you) to have your work appear in The Stud Duck. Poems, stories, non-fiction memoirs of prom nights or bar mitzvahs gone awry, photographs, drawings -- please send them to studduckmail@gmail.com. We will judiciously select ten submissions for inclusion in The Stud Duck 7. Judges decisions are final!  

Plus, the ten worthy authors will each receive a valuable copy of one of the original Stud Duck issues from the mid-nineties! Squirrel it away, pass it on to your children -- or you can make a mobile! But one thing is certain: unless you've got a time machine, there won't be any more where these came from!

All submissions must be received by noon Pacific time on Monday, December 13! That email address again one more time: studduckmail@gmail.com

 

Mitch Sisskind is the Editor of The Stud Duck

 

 

 

                      Parting thoughts...

 

Words of wisdom:

                                       Everything dies                     
                                       And that's a fact
                                       But everything that dies
                                       Someday comes back!

And how about what the old prizefighter told his son in Sylvester Stallone's film entitled Rocky Balboa:

                                "It's not how hard you can hit that matters!
                                 It's how hard you can get hit and keep
                                 moving forward!"

Right on both counts! The Stud Duck is back and The Stud Duck is moving forward! That's why the new subtitle for The Stud Duck is going to be "Man muss immer weiter gehen" -- which means "One must always go further" in German!

                         Though much is taken,
                         Much abides...
                                        -- Tennyson

                              We are the champions
                        We are the champions
                        Of the world!
                                        -- Queen

              Man muss immer weiter gehen!
              Immer weiter! Immer weiter!

Issue Number One of The Stud Duck, 1993 -->>

Rex Quondam, Rexque Futurus

That once was king....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That will be king again....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Ripeness is all....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is later than you know....

 

 

The Stud Duck is coming soon!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Behold! Two well-satisfied readers of The Stud Duck!

Heroic Basketball (by Mitch Sisskind)

 

Last week I noticed the post on this site announcing a poetry contest on the occasion of LeBron James' joining the Miami Heat basketball team.

For some reason this put me in mind of the Iliad, which I first read around 1950 as "The Golden Book of the Iliad" -- a masterful rendition by the way, which I later learned was also an early inspiration to Joseph (Joe) Heller.

Nestor, the grandfatherly blabbermouth, has always been my favorite Homeric character and I have even written a poem in which Nestor acquires three Viagra tablets from Athena and thereby manages to change the course of the Trojan War.

But that's another story. Regarding the LeBraon James contest, I tried to imagine how Nestor would respond. Surely for instance he would immediately disqualify himself by exceeding the six line length limit. And in comparing LeBron James to basketball players of the past, he would be in his habitual mode of "there simply are no men like that now," as W.H.D. Rouse expresses it in his very useful and forceful prose translation. I believe Nestor would also include at least one line in a foreign language in order to showcase his mastery of many tongues.

The Iliad

He is almost a foot
Taller than Calvin Murphy
Was but can he dribble
Two basketballs the length
Of the court and then
Dunk them both?
Yo pienso que no.

Remember how Bill Russell
Shot underhand free throws?
His percentage stank like poo-poo
But when money was on the table
He was strong black coffee
From the line and this too was
Unlike LeBron.

Pro teams used to practice in
The gym where I taught high school.
Chamberlain, Chet Walker, Jerry West,
I saw them all up close and in truth
The only one who acted like a human
Being was Tom Boerwinkle so let's have
A poem contest for the man from Tennessee!

Poem: "The Jewish Biker" -- by Mitch Sisskind

 

This poem is part of my "autobiography as SAT test" project. Read the poem, then answer the question that follows. The correct answer and explanation are below.






The Jewish Biker

Like a motherfucker he rose
At dawn winter mornings
And snowplowed driveways.

Spring nights when rain poured
He disinfected flooded basements
With Lysol like a motherfucker.

All week like a motherfucker
He worked in the parts department
At the Western Avenue Harley dealer.

He used to say, ‘You won’t
‘See me riding Japanese iron.
‘You won’t see me riding bitch.’

When his old lady had a miscarriage
He fished it out of the toilet. Why?
Maybe the doctor wanted to see it.

Yet he was Jewish! His name was
Zebelman! His mother volunteered
In the Weiss Hospital gift shop!

>> The character in this poem is loosely based on:
a. Mickey Kalison
b. Tony Drago
c. Julius Jaffe
d. Leon Wells
e. Charley Livingston

The correct answer is 'a,'  Mickey Kallison.

Tony Drago was the very sweet tempered son of Steve and Millie
Drago. His sister was Roseanne. For a time Tony Drago was employed
as a greeter in a funeral home.

Julius Jaffe was the attorney for the Harrison Wholesale Company.
His most memorable utterance was, 'But then you're dipping into principal.'

Leon Wells was an employee of the old Central Electric Company who argued
that the power of the Roman Empire came from the legionaries' consumption of
honey.

Charley Livingston, like my father, was an alumnus of the Jewish Orphans Home
in Cleveland. He lived by himself in the Rienzi Hotel on Diversey Avenue.

Regarding the poem's first stanza, Mickey Kallison invested in a snowplow for his
truck and picked up some extra cash clearing driveways in Skokie and Lincolnwood,
Illinois. Although I don't know that he also disinfected basements, there did come a
time when Bob Kallison (Mickey's father, and my uncle) wanted to disinfect his
own basment after a rain. When Bob was unable to buy disinfectant anywhere,
he declared, "There was no Lysol in Skokie!" with such fervor that the memory of it
has stayed with me forty years.

The incident in stanza four derives not from Mickey Kallison but from a
conversation with Tim Bissinger, 'the tough guy math teacher,' that took
place while we were waiting on a subway platform in 1971.

Finally, it was actually my stepmother Jay who volunteered at the Weiss Hospital
gift shop. Her maiden name was Zebelman ('onion person.')

 

The Game With The Funny Ball -- by Mitch Sisskind

At left, Roosevelt Leaks when he played fullback in Texas' triple option offense. For a discussion of the faceguard on his helmet see the video below.

I'm not sure who is playing quarterback in this picture. It would be too easy to Google that information so I'll take a guess and say James Street.

BTW: in the video I may not have been clear about where Donald Rumsfeld played lightweight football. It was at Princeton, not Columbia.

"My Life Is a Test" -- by Mitch Sisskind

Here's another question from my autobiography in the form of an SAT test. After you've had a look at it, you can watch the explanatory video featuring the kind participation of my friend Alexandra.

Which of the following has Mitchell NEVER used as an alias?

a: Blatchford Sarnemington
b: Al Farber
c: Lou Belmont
d: Donald Bruce
e: The Kalashnikover Rebbe

Special Bonus! Do you ever have trouble waking your children up in the morning so they can get to school on time? The following video is a rock version of the Romanian national anthem sung by an aggregation of Romanian television personalities. Just play it at high volume and watch your kids come flying out of bed like pigeons escaping from a coop. And for you, the video can also be great for overcoming a case of the afternoon "blahs."

"My Life As A Test" -- by Mitch Sisskind

This is the most exciting, most challenging project I've ever come up with -- a full-length autobiography in the form of an SAT test! As the video clip below explains, I will share all the fascinating details of my so-called life using multiple choice questions of various kinds. And just like they used to tell you before the real SAT test, there's no "passing" grade. You can get every question wrong and still go to Harvard!
 
It will all be here in question and answer form -- all the triumphs and tragedies, all the pratfalls and pirouettes. Some of them are easy, some of them are hard. Please watch the clip below to learn more --->>>

"My Life As A Test" will be simple, fun, and (I hope) informative. But find out for yourself. Below is a sample question from the test. If you're really sharp, you should be able to answer it even without any other information. If you can't answer it right now, don't be discouraged. The test itself -- and the answer section that comes with it -- will be its own best teacher.

Here's the question, followed by another explanatory video --->>>

Between September 30, 1981, and September 30, 1984, how many times did Mitchell have sexual intercourse?

a: 0
b: 4
c: 116
d: 12,000
e: none of the above

I'll be posting more questions soon. Eventually there will be an actual book just like the ones from Kaplan and Princeton Review. (I should live that long!)

Poem: "Terrible were the brick bungalows..." (by Mitch Sisskind)

 

Terrible were the brick bungalows

Of the Northwest Side where dwelled

The gentiles – Polish, Irish, Italian --

With their churches, softball teams,
Funeral parlors and most unnervingly

Their grim and oversized high schools.

 

Yet I was drawn to them: on the bus

The bra straps of girls through

Catholic school uniform blouses,

The knee socks, the graying Keds,

The overflow of emotion again

And again in anguish recollected.

 

American Bandstand: weekdays at four

With Carole Campione, both of us awed

By the future Philadelphia hairdressers,

And one day she showed me her rosary.

That day (oy!) we watched no more.

But I never saw her in the Kennedy years.

 

Some glacial high school absorbed her

And when the missile crisis came in ‘62

 ‘Twas another I would die for, or with –

And a Jewess! She is always in my thoughts.

But her name? No! For sayeth the Kabbalist

Rav Shimon, “Secrecy sustains the world.”

-- Mitch Sisskind