You Are Not As Bad As You Think
by Patrick Hunt
You will later figure out what her name means in English, and then you will tell her this one day, and you (just you) will laugh and tell her that it is funny, the way her name translates – you will even draw a picture – and she will laugh too, but she won't really get it.
Also one time, you were watching one of them put her jeans back on and they were so tight that she had to hop and tug at them a little, like they do in jeans commercials, and you wanted to tell her how sexy you thought she looked at that moment, but you knew she wouldn't have known what you meant and there was no round about way to explain it.
You have to learn the lesson time and time again that it's probably not a good idea getting involved with them.
The first of them you kissed, she darted her tongue in and out of your mouth rapidly, like she was tasting something with the tip of her tongue over and over and over again and you were under the impression (until the next one came along) that they all kissed like this. When you told your friend about this, he made a joke about lizards.
Because of them, you have learned that in real life (as opposed to, like, detergent commercials), when you come home after seeing them, or after they leave, there will not be evidence of their makeup on your collar, a lip print or something. No, it will be in the most unlikeliest of places – a smear of foundation across the chest of your shirt, on the knee of your pants, a dab of something fuchsia on your forearm. They all wear so much makeup.
When it happens in the winter though, it's kind of fun because you both have so many layers of clothes on that it takes forever to get undressed and sometimes arms and legs and heads and feet and hands get tangled and ensnared – a pant leg is suddenly a Venus fly trap; one of you is suddenly an escapist – and this sometimes makes you laugh, and she'll think it is because of her and quickly cover up and look hurt, wounded. But you'll laugh again and say it's nothing, there is no reason, don't worry. After, one of you will be missing a sock or a bra. It will be discovered in the arm of a shirt or the leg of a longjohn.
You are forever in fear of one of their boyfriends or husbands or brothers or fathers finding you and murdering you. Just last week, as you were walking through the market, some man spit on your face and