It's Our Two Cents (by Daniel Nester)

In the style of Larry King's "It's My Two Cents" columns that ran in USA Today, collaboratively written by members of the English 563 ‘Selves Thinking’ Essay Writing Intensive class at The College of Saint Rose: Louis Cortina, Chrissie Curran, Beth Hines, Rebecca Lewand, Lindsay Marchetti, Daniel Nester, Vaneeta Palecanda, Esther Prokopienko, Michael Sloman, Anne-Marie Thweatt, and Scott Wheatley

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Losing an appendage would be devastating to daily life; I’d rather lose an arm, hands down….If you receive a tattoo on your ass, do not sun-bathe in the nude….Don’t slice your herbs, crush them…if you must, use your fingers. As for broccoli, break off the florets. Don’t take a knife to it…. You should not play rugby for the singular reason that you may end up with a flat face….

Last night I saw a bumper sticker that said, “You might have come from a monkey, but I was created.”  I like to believe I’ve got monkey genes…Am I the only one who still has a hard time saying the word “duties” with a straight face?  Even at my age and in the workplace, it's still hilarious!  If you disagree, grow up!...

Does hearing the women cluck back and forth on “The View” make anyone else tempted to light themselves on fire?...What is with people who don't feel the need to have an answering machine? I understand those who don't carry around cell phones to avoid being reached at all times of the day, but no way to leave a message?... Stephen Colbert should have a bear-cooking show….

I don’t care about this so-called childhood amnesia—I refuse to stand in front of my child naked. Better to be safe than sorry when dealing with the nude human body….I love Mexico. If you ever find yourself in there, buy some coke; it’s cheap and good… Speaking of cheap and good, never let your boyfriend who’s learning to tattoo practice on you; it may be cheap, but it’ll never be good…Do not enter a mud wrestling tournament the day after being tattooed….

Would anyone have remembered the Big Bopper affectionately if he hadn’t died in that plane crash?...It is never okay to wear a vest of any kind with jeans unless it is to shield you from bullets….If you're one of those people who thinks I will keep calling back, I won't. …There are the people who jump in the 15 item express line with 16 items, and then there are the people who glare at them in judgment. Which one are you?...

I’m thinking about boycotting vending machines for not taking pennies … I find I have the best sleep in a rhinestone-studded velour shirt that says “Pinky”; try that….Don’t you know by now that curry is generic? Don’t ever ask for curry and expect the same thing: i.e., when you are in India….The Penguins are back in—see, I’m talking about sports now, so I’m not gay…

The influence of the 80's movies Teen Wolf, Sixteen Candles, and Secret Admirer, where the plain-looking, dark-haired tomboys are pit up against the makeup-y snobby blondes, and the Boofs and Andies win the guy in the end at least made all us brunette  uglies feel like we had a chance….

I have a man-crush on Neil Diamond… I love the British Gecko. And the smell of Scotch Tape... I like how people who eat every animal under the sun got all offended when dolphins were getting mixed in with tuna. Dolphins are definitely intelligent, but at least they aren’t smart enough to be hypocrites….I feel sorry for the airport security who has to paw through my dirty underwear. If you find a bomb in that suitcase, run for cover...Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone...

What's going on with Britney Spears this week? She hasn't been making headlines lately...If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Action movies are way too long. I want to see an explosion, a bad guy get killed, and a pretty girl.  Then I want to go home….

I always disliked the Popeye cartoons. The eponymous protagonist seemed like such a bad role model. Firstly, he was obviously addicted to that spinach, like a junkie waiting for another hit. Secondly, his forearms looked like giant tumors; a responsible man would have gotten them checked out. The last thing we need today is children with addiction problems and cancer....

Does anyone know what's up with that gap between Madonna's teeth? Does it help her sing better?... I'm a Rachel Ray girl myself; Giada gives me the creeps….And what is the point of birthday cards?  You’re using someone else’s words and ideas; why can’t you think of your own things to say?  I guess there aren’t enough creative people out there who can sit down and take the time to formulate their own emotions and sentiments for their loved ones...I got a five-dollar bill in change yesterday that said, “In God We Trust to spay/neuter all illegal immigrants.” …

You know you’re getting old when underwear becomes a welcome present….Never agree to be tattooed by you friend who wants to use the same needle he/she just tattooed someone else with just to save time and money….Freshly-picked homegrown tomatoes are the best thing about summer….Brown-speckled bananas are the worst. Not even a monkey would eat them...Do not receive a tattoo from an artist that holds the needle in one hand and a 40 ounce in the other….The only thing worse than a feminist who wears animal-printed scarves is that same feminist at a divorced women's Oprah book club….

How important must one feel to think that I have all the time in the world to keep calling back when he or she decides to actually be there to answer the phone? …Who are the people who go to public bathrooms and, not only do they not flush, but create some cocktail of toilet paper and bodily waste that makes you want to squat behind a building….

New Jersey seagulls are assholes…Never swim with crocodiles….I love the backhanded way white sports fans think they’re complimenting black athletes when they remark in amazement after an interview: “wow, he is really well spoken.”…Am I the only person who thinks it’s taking too long to translate all of Fernando Pessoa’s work?  Get a move on, people.  It’s only Portuguese, it isn’t Latin….

I came close to homicide once: I followed a truck with its left blinker on for an entire five miles without him changing lanes. I envisioned myself running him off the road.  Before I could get to him, he turned his blinker off….In a world where George Bush is president, Tyra Banks is a philanthropist, David Caruso still has a job acting on CSI, Screech Powers is a porn star, and Nick and Drew Lachey are heterosexual, how do we proceed?...If you haven’t cooked your veggies in a pressure cooker, try it for a ready-to-go soup…

It's always the people without an answering machine that you need to contact as soon as possible or the world will melt down…. How can the cafeteria offer vegan banana-and-suspicious-looking-chocolate(?) Cool Whip-parfaits, but no non-dairy creamer?...Food, don’t you know, is the best thing in the world—only clean, good water is better…Drive-in movie theaters represent the best of what this country can do….

I’ll call you back once or twice, and then you're on your own; I do not have the time or the patience…. Popping bubble wrap is soul-satisfying….If you stand in the middle of a street long enough, someone will look at you and point….Maybe I should become a ghost writer, I could make millions off of your lack of creativity.

Comments

[Thesis Writing]

excellent..

[danial]

good blog