- After Hitting Snooze: Once again I am on a talk-show panel, and the host asks questions for which I have witty and insightful answers, often contradicting what another guest says. Once again every time I try to interject, a panelist talks over me, and the host never intervenes on my behalf or calls on me. Once again the longer I am ignored, the angrier I get until I start railing that no one is listening to me. Once again they continue to act as if I am not even there. I don’t know why I keep going back on this damned show.
- Newspaper editor to irascible reporter in There Goes My Heart: “You have to give me more respect. Or better copy.”
- The goal of poetry is to split hairs on the heads of however many angels fit on the head of a pin.
- I teach what I know. My students can cook sensational omelets, fingerpick “Guabi Guabi,” and make my wife very happy. But as I grade the final exams, my mind goes blank: I can’t remember my mother's maiden name, Xavier Cugat’s wives, the infield of the 1954 Brooklyn Dodgers, which corner had the best egg cream in midtown in the 70s, why the Senior Prom ended with everyone thinking I wound up in a ditch, what I said that got me this job, etc. I call my only A+ former student and ask him to grade the exams. He refuses. I am fired and he is hired. I am now in his class doing extremely well because I was one hell of a teacher.
- The rain is the river coming home.
- If you can’t follow a rule, enjoy being the exception that proves the rule.
- The movie theater of my early youth was the Kinema on Pitkin Avenue under the El in East New York, where I had to turn around in my seat during House of Wax, my first—and last—3-D horror movie. Years later a teacher corrected me for pronouncing cinema with a hard c.
- It happened so gradually I hardly noticed: one day I realized I could tell if it was John or Paul singing lead.
- Ko-Rec-Type: Two wrongs make a white.
- This sweet and salty trend has its roots, as far as I know, at Morris’s candy store in Lynbrook in the late 50s when my friend mischievously reached for a pretzel rod from the counter dispenser and dropped it into my malted.
256-261. Faits Divers fromThe Insect Times (with gratitude and apologies to Félix Fénéon)
Remains found splattered on the kitchen wall have been identified as fly Bill Smits. Preliminary tests indicate a newspaper slaying. Police will be buzzing the usual suspects.
In what is suspected of being a ritualistic cult murder/suicide, every member of the ant colony under the bathroom sink was poisoned. Investigators found traces of the poisonous substance on the feet of the Queen.
With a bright future ahead of her, caterpillar Susan Sweet was stepped on last night by a humongous neighbor child. “She was about to metamorphose any day,” her distraught fiancé said while perching shiva. “I told her I’d wait for her. We were going to fly away together. We looked forward to our great great great great grandchildren settling in Ontario.”
Flea Sam Smith died, apparently of natural causes, at his last known address on the right hind leg of Duke the dog. “He was quiet,” said Duke. “I barely knew he was here.”
Half a tick named Conrad Stick was burned to death while burrowing in a calf. He is survived by his better half, who is currently in seclusion.
Roach Emily was found flattened. “She was the slow one,” her mother said. “We always said, ‘The poor dear will never survive a nuclear war.’”
- A dean informed me that my review committee for reappointment was offended by my use of the word hardass in my professional statement. “Smartass,” I said. “Excuse me?” he replied through pursed lips. “Smartass,” I repeated. “The word I used to describe me in my early career was ‘smartass.’”
- Caption: Wife to husband sitting fretfully at his desk: “How could you have the appearance of a conflict of interests when you don’t have any interests?”
Love those pretzels, Alan -- not a bad alternative title for these wonderful insights, aphorisms, witticisms, jokes, anecdotes, and short takes. Cheers. -- DL
Posted by: The Best American Poetry | December 29, 2018 at 07:58 PM
Love, love, love. Especially today, 250 is comforting. EL
Posted by: EL | January 05, 2019 at 10:11 AM