EMUNAH
When Herman Fishman asked Julius Jaffe
to discourse on emunah, Julius Jaffe’s mouth
twisted into a rictus as if he were trying to lift
a huge weight.
Finally Julius Jaffe said, "Fools and silly
people who refer to emunah as faith
or belief are like ignorant farm animals.
When Moishe called out to God on the banks
of the Red Sea, God said, "Why do you call
out to me? Tell the people to go forward."
He continued, "Then Nachshon walked into
the Red Sea and the waves parted, but not
until the water had reached Nachshon's neck.
This was to test Nachshon's emunah, his
certainty."
He went on, "Such is my own emunah that
on Shabbat I can turn the Rienzi Hotel into
a blimp that travels back into the past or
ahead into the future at my direction. But
you must tell no one about this. Do you
agree?" And Herman Fishman agreed.
MOISHE AND THE ROCK
As the sages instruct, Julius Jaffe studied Torah
at three o'clock in the morning, when most of
the demons are sleeping.
One night, as he read Shemot Chapter 17 (“Moishe
strikes the rock”) Julius Jaffe merited a startling
insight that illuminated all of Torah. He was overjoyed
and recited the Sh'ma.
But a moment later he was saddened by the thought
of jackasses and their televised bonehead preachments.
FUN FOR THE FEEBLE
They were walking. Herman Fishman said,
"In English there's there's an expression,
'fun for the feeble.' How would one say
that in Jewish?"
Julius Jaffe replied, 'Shpas far die schwach.'"
He continued, "God sees the end in
the beginning. If I show an acorn to
a fool, the fool thinks that only a fool
would believe that the acorn contains
an oak tree."
He went on, "God sees not just the
oak tree, but all the acorns yet to
come, and all the trees yet to come."
"Therefore," Herman Fishman asked,
"did he know that Adam and Eve
would eat the forbidden fruit?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Yes. It was shpas far
die schwach.":
"THE TWO JAKES"
He said, "My favorite movie is The Two Jakes."
He said, "My favorite novel is From The Terrace."
He said, "My favorite song is Moments to Remember,
by The Four Lads." Herman Fishman asked, "What
is your favorite food?" He said, "Chicken pot pie."
TRUTH
Harvey Gershman asked him, "How
can I know truth?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"By three attributes."
He continued, "Truth is simple,
but deceptively so. For example,
'Buy low and sell high' seems
simple, but what is high? What
is low? You see, it's not as
simple as you thought."
He went on, "Secondly, the opposite
of truth may also be truth. For example,
money is everything, and money is
nothing."
He continued, "Most importantly,
truth is funny. Consider a definition
of zero: a number A which when
added to a number B results in a
sum of B, which is funny."
Then Herman Fishman said, "How
about when the subtrahend is A and
the minuend is B and you get B,
which is funny."
Then he said, "What about when
you multiply a very large number
by zero and you get zero, which
is funny."
Julius Jaffe said, "Or when you
multiply a negative number by
another negative number and
you get a positive number,
which is funny."
Speaking of truth, he concluded,
"'Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.'"
(Proverbs 31:25)
SHINDERMAN
Shinderman approached Julius Jaffe
and said, "I have a chance to make a
lot of money on an investment but there
is some risk. What should I do?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Make the investment. You
can make a lot of money."
Shinderman returned and said, "I lost
my money. But there's another investment
and I still have some money left. What
should I do?" Julius Jaffe said, "Take a
chance. You can make a lot of money."
Shinderman reappeared and said,
"I lost my money again. I only have
two dollars left to my name. Should I
bet my two dollars on a longshot at
the racetrack?" Julius Jaffe said, "Yes."
Shinderman came back and said,
"I lost my two dollars! Now I have no
money. What am I going to do?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Do you really have no money
at all? Not even a quarter? Not even a
dime?" Shanderman said, I have no money!
Not even one cent!" Julius Jaffe said, "That's
wonderful."
Then Shinderman was beside himself.
He shouted, "What! How can you tell me
it's wonderful after I've lost everything?"
Julius Jaffe said, "Because now you can
really pray."
PRAYER
Herman Fishman asked, "What is the
most important prayer?" Julius Jaffe
replied, "Only this: Lead me in the
correct path."
AARON WOLNER
Aaron Wolner said, "To capture the
benevolence of a beautiful woman,
I said, 'You're looking good.' Was
this correct?" Julius Jaffe shook his
head. He replied, "No. You should
say, 'Let's get the show on the road.'"
ARNOLD CHANKIN
When Arnold Chankin died, Julius Jaffe
said, "He was a great businessman.
But he never made any money."
Herman Fishman asked, "What business
was he in?" Julius Jaffe said, "He was in
the children's furniture business. But he
was not in the children's furniture business."
Herman Fishman asked, "Is this possible?"
Julius Jaffe answered, "Yes and no."
SAM PELKIS
Sam Pelkis died and Herman
Fishman said, "He died from
intestinal disease." Julius Jaffe
said, "It was a blessing upon him
as a righteous man."
Herman Fishman asked, "How was
it a blessing?" Julius Jaffe explained,
"Most righteous people die from intestinal
disease."
He quoted Rabbi Yosi: "'May my portion
be among those who die from intestinal
disease, as most righteous people die
from intestinal disease.'"
ABISHAG THE SHUNAMMITE
Julius Jaffe read from Melachim:
Now King David was old and stricken in years;
and they covered him with clothes, but he felt
no warmth.
His servants said unto him, ‘Let a young virgin
be sought for my lord the king and let her stand
before the king, and let her cherish the king,
and let her lie with the king that my lord the
king may feel warmth.’
They sought a fair virgin in Israel and found
Abishag the Shunammite and brought her to
the king. She cherished the king and ministered
to him but he knew her not.
Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself,
saying, ‘I will be king.'
Julius Jaffe commented, “Why did Adonijah exalt
himself? Because the king felt no warmth, the
king knew her not, so the king must die.”
Herman Fishman asked, “Have you conjured
Abishag the Shunammite?” Julius Jaffe replied
the he had conjured her.
Herman Fishman asked, “What words did you
speak toward to conjure her?” Julius Jaffe
answered, “’Only say the word, and it shall be
so for you’ (Job 22:28.) In that same hour
she stood before me.
Herman Fishman asked, “Did you feel warmth?”
Julius Jaffe replied. “‘He who chops wood is
endangered thereby.’” (Ecclesiastes 10:9) He
continued, “How much wood would a woodchuck
chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would
chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could, if a
woodchuck could chuck wood.”
He concluded, "But you must tell no one about
this. Do you agree? And Herman Fishman agreed.
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