When Insults Had Class [by Terence Winch]

With thanks to Terence Winch, here are some well-turned insults from back in the day before the era of the ubiquitous four-letter word.

Lady Astor: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Churchill: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it"
[Note: it has to be said that Churchill is the Yogi Berra of witty British repartee; when you're not sure who came up with the bon mot, Winston's your man.]

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or  of some unspeakable disease."
"That  depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your  mistress."

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -- Oscar Wilde

"I  am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend. . . if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston  Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second. . . if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in response.
[This exchange has been attributed to Shaw and James Whistler.]

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John  Bright

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
[A retort a philatelist has to love.]

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae  West
[In a fit of remorse, a convicted murderer said, "my father should have used a condom!"]

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar  Wilde

"He  uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather  than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang  (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilder

"I've  had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

from the archive; September 16, 2009

Comments

[lally]

thanx, i needed that

[Dr. Earle Hitchner]

Brilliant choices, Terence!

I'll add a kind of bon mot of my own (at least I think it's my own): "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."

I tell people that would also be the title of a surefire country hit single. Now all I need to do is write the song and convince Hank Williams to return from the grave to record it.

Here's a priceless response attributed to the great Irish traditional fiddler Martin Wynne (1916-1998) after being asked what he thought of a well-known fiddler's new album: "Well, if she put in what she left out, and left out what she put in, it'd be a good album."

[Emily Fragos]

Guest: "My husband and I went to the mall and I saw such beautiful jewelry, but he wouldn't buy anything, because there was nothing cheap at the mall."
My sister, Liz: "Oh, yes, there was, your husband."

[Mark C. Minton]

Regarding Lady Astor and Winston, I was heard that she gave as well as she got. This retort is attributed to her:

Winston Churchill to Lady Astor: Having a woman in the parliament feels as if she's spying on you in the washroom!

Lady Astor: Winston, you are not handsome enough to need worry!

[Thomas E. Davis]

Ah, for the intellect of another age.