Phoebe MacAdams: Pick of the Week [ed. Terence Winch]

 

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Autobiography with Fingers

            for John Wieners

 

I dream of a fist,

undelineated lumps

pushing out to form fingers.

 

On my 11 pm walk

mockingbird, skunk, possum, coyote

hold the struggle for form.

 

The fist emerges

in the bleak early morning.

I wash towels, make beds.

 

Poetry asserts itself

humbly,

 

formed me out of madness when I was young

and knew only magic

 

watching a tree turn orange

at the boarding school in upstate New York,

reading fairy tales alone in a top floor bedroom.

 

At my grandmother’s house, I sat on a bench shaped rock.

I felt rescued by her large stone rabbits

 

and by John Wieners who came to our house in Buffalo

and talked to ghosts while he drank Crème de Menthe

in our dining room.

 

I pray for an answer to a neighbor’s green plastic grass,

slim stars overhead,

raccoon slipping along the shadows,

possum moving up the driveway.

 

I woke up and my father was on his way to the hospital,

sweet deranged man

born too early for the medicines that could have saved him.

 

My sister sat alone in a rocking chair for years,

fierce guardian of the good

in the half-way house in Woodstock, New York.

 

She came to me in a dream,

thick black hair and Old Testament robes,

with a helpful message from St. Joseph, patron saint of good death.

 

Today, a man sits crying at the end of a driveway,

his much-loved cat of fifteen years

lies dead in a box at his feet.

 

I search for clarity among the cucumber leaves,

long for grammatical order,

but loss is the order that comes.

 

These are the fingers forming.

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Phoebe MacAdams was born and raised New York City, but has mostly lived in California, moving to LA in 1986. With the poets James Cushing, the late Holly Prado, Harry Northup, and Jeanette Clough, she is a member of Cahuenga Press, which published five of her eight books, including in 2016 her new and  selected volume, The Large Economy of the Beautiful. In 2017, Beyond Baroque published Every Bird Helps: A Cancer Journal. She taught English at Roosevelt High School in Boyle Heights until her retirement in 2011. She lives in Pasadena with her husband, Ron Ozuna. [Author photo by Alexis Rhone Fancher.]

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                                                              R. B. Kitaj, John Wieners, 1969. Photo by Carlie Febo.

Comments

[Grace Cavalieri]

I LOVE THIS POEM! LOVE LOVE this poem. It matches my blood exactly.

[Cindy Hochman]

What a lovely narrative poem, Phoebe. I love all the details of family, nature, and of course, "literary stuff," that are interspersed in accessible yet poetic language. I especially love the way it begins with the fist that forms fingers (no doubt to hold a pen) and how that image emerges again throughout the poem. My favorite lines: "Poetry asserts itself humbly ... and knew only magic." Thanks for sharing this "humble," quiet, and yet powerful poem with us. And thanks, as always, Terence, for the inspiration.

[Don Berger]

Wonderful startling surprise of a poem, that John Wieners came to Phoebe's house, the man at the end of the driveway, the cucumber leaves the speaker stands among--autobiography plus shock and wonder, that's the equation here. I'm glad you found this poem Terence, and what a portrait of Wieners to set against the poet's story!

[Bill Nevins]

Startling poem! "I search for clarity among the cucumber leaves,

long for grammatical order,

but loss is the order that comes."

[lally]

one off my all-time favorite poets, and poems, (and painters also), and posts, phoebe's poetry never fails to leave a lingering impact

[Terence Winch]

Cindy: Thanks for the comment.

[Terence Winch]

Prof. Berger: thanks for your comment.

[David Beaudouin]

What a sweet poem, from the in to the out, which time brings us to. What is the hand? Something to shake. Thanks to Phoebe the radiant and Terence the wise.

[Terence Winch]

David---thanks for your wise and radiant comment.

[Clarinda]

What David beaudouin said! Yes!

[Kym Taylor]

A tremendously moving poem; I especially love its quietly sustained energy and remarkable energies. The line about the sister in the rocking chair "the guardian of the good" and the surprise and sorrow of the halfway house knocked me out...thank you for such fierce beauty, Phoebe.

[Eileen Reich]

I love this poem ❤️

[Phoebe MacAdams Ozuna]

Thank you, everyone, for the lovely comments. It means so much to me!!
I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back. I had a Total Knee Replacement Surgery three weeks ago and am slowly recovering. It is taking longer than I thought it would.
Your comments are a delight.
Thank you, and thank you, Terence for including my poem!!
Love, Phoebe

[Terence Winch]

Thanks, Phoebe, and good luck with your recovery.

[Michael Wolfe]

Thanks, Phoebe! Always great to hear your voice, ever since your reading at Mountain Home.

Michael Wolfe

[Phoebe MacAdams]

Hi Michael
So good to hear from you. Thank you for this.
Love, Phoebe. U

[Roberta Ritz]

So very touching. Especially the mention of John—I can really see him in your dining room. Thank you for your wonderful words. Love, Roberta

[Phoebe MacAdams Ozuna]

Again, thank you for these wonderful comments. I read them and they lift my spirits
Thank you Terence!!
Love, Phoebe

[Phoebe M Ozuna]

Thank you, Terence, for the wonderful work by R.B. Kitaj of John. I love his work and this is a terrific evocation of Wieners.
Love, Phoebe