'Hello, I'm an Intellectual'
No woman will or could resist
This disarming introduction
Which, in contradistinction to
Banal so-called pickup lines,
Offers a frisson of brain buzz
As a kind of appetizer for the
Polymorphous feast of prandial
And potable invigorations to follow.
‘Hello, I’m an intellectual!’ Say it
With a cosmopolitan intonation
(Practice with a recording device)
And watch what happens. Read
“Think and Grow Rich” to similarly
Jump start your whole financial life
Revelation
At a Cubs game – no score
After six innings – I prayed
For a home run on the next
Pitch and it happened. As the
Ball cleared the left field wall
I briefly hesitated, then fell
To my knees and as I recited
The Sh’ma the heavens opened
And a great hippopotamus
Appeared whose visage shone
With compassion and love for
All humankind. Then it was gone.
I resumed my seat. I was eleven
Years old. My friends shot me
Puzzled glances for a moment
But with shrugs they concluded
I’d simply had a whack attack.
The game continued, 1-0 Cubs.
I have kept silent all these years!
Sh'ma Yisrael, Adonai Eloheinu,
Adonai Echud! Amen! Amen!
Neem Fix had a nice bitch,
Joe Blow had him a male dog,
They decided to breed the dogs
Where Neem got pick of the litter
And Joe Blow got the next two
Of the pups, then on and on
Alternating the pups and if there
Was an odd number of the pups
The last of the pups would belong
To that fine gentleman Neem Fix.
His bitch whelped six pups so
Neem wound up with three pups,
One female and two males which
He named after gun manufacturers,
The female he named Winchester
While the males he named Hi-Point
And Ruger. Often when people
Bought a pup they renamed the pup
Something else but generally it was
Too young to know the difference.
She longs for the loud mouth action man
While I am of the diffident dreamy tribe.
However, if life of the party is her desire,
Then let’s get the show on the road will be
My jocund motto, and later, when I tell her
She’s looking good tonight, her chatoyant
Sidelong glance and the adamantine luster
Of her brown hair will ignite or intensify
My pit bull dog determination to please her,
This young woman whose name is Cynthia.
Though I am seventy-one to her twenty years,
I take heart from the audacious marriage of
Peter Paul Rubens to Hélène Fourment,
Who was sixteen. Rubens was fifty-three!
Who then were the chiefs
and the lords of the Danaans?
I could not tell the multitude
of them nor name them, not if I
had ten tongues and ten mouths,
not if I had a voice never to be broken
and a heart of bronze within me,
not unless the Muses of Olympia,
daughters of Zeus of the aegis
remembered all those who
had come beneath Ilion.
Iliad, Book II
These were the policemen, retired and active,
Accompanied by their wives, who like a great
Flock of birds attended Frank Umschlager’s
Retirement dinner at the Cucina Albanese
And their laughter reverberated off the ceiling
Until the night wound down with Al Jablonski
Saying a few words and then Frank Umschlager
Said a few words himself at the end of the night.
It showed respect for Frank Umschlager how
Representatives of all twenty-four police districts
Were there although in Frank Umschlager’s career
Frank Umschlager had not actually worked in all
Twenty-four districts, but in the districts where
He did work he crossed paths with officers who
Moved on to other districts so the upshot was
Officers from all the districts attended that night.
There was some horseplay among the policemen
As they greeted one another, laughingly playing
Some grab ass as the wives also exchanged hellos
But the wives in a quieter way because the wives
Didn’t know each other that well and because most
Of them would just as soon have stayed home
But they were there in Frank Umschlager’s honor
Because they were the wives of the policemen.
As when a great flock of birds lands in the trees,
The policemen sat down at the tables designated
For their respective police districts, each policeman
Accompanied by his wife, and then the waiters
Who seemed to appear out of nowhere filled their
Water glasses, took their drink orders, and offered
The appetizers of minestrone soup, bruschetta,
Or crab cakes, which was the most popular appetizer.
At the table of the 001 district there was Bob Dreher
Whose father Dub Dreher worked for many years
In the old Area South Detective Division when it was
The private fiefdom of Lieutenant Slick Negronida.
Joe Bona was also at the 001 table, and so were
Ravko Micevik, Herb Bevens, and Phil Trymowicz,
All of them accompanied by their wives that night
Like a great flock of birds at the Cucina Albanese.
Ravko Micevik, the gray-haired man, retired now
from 001 where he worked patrol for many years,
He opened his mouth and he said, “I remember
“Going to Sox Park as a kid when there was
“A late innings pitcher’s duel with no score until
“Minnie Minoso came up to bat and I prayed for
“A home run on the next pitch and he hit it over
“The fence and ever since that day I believe in God.”
From 002 came Barney Lanaham and his wife,
Angelo Caniziaro and his wife, Al Louderman
And his wife, Konstantin Gekas and his wife,
Gene Fiebig and his wife, and Kevin Bechina,
Ed Glinicki, Karl Deutsch, Bob Lietz, Sal Manus,
Jimmy Nytko, John Pipala, and Gus Catomerislos,
All of them also accompanied by their wives,
As was Edward Jesovic accompanied by his wife.
From the 003 District came Jim Capesius who
Was the boss of the shooting range and who
In all his years on the street was never forced
To fire his gun but now at the shooting range
He taught what he never had to do on the street
But when he opened his mouth no one doubted
He could have done it if the occasion had arose.
He lived in Norwood Park as many policemen do.
Besides Jim Capesius and his wife at the table
For 003 were these police officers, all of them
Accompanied by their wives: Frank Latallia,
Archie Malhot, John Lasser, Ben Garcia, Bill Davis,
Ralph Maruska, Joe Kaderabek, Dave Lansky,
And Al Love, whose father Milton had worked in
The old Area North Detective Division when it was
The private fiefdom of Lieutenant Artie Epler.
From the 004 District which is called the Quad
There came Tim Leidy, Lou Palmer, Bob Gancarz,
Sam Chichester, Kurt Glinski, and their wives,
All under the unofficial leadership of Lee Kopak,
The gray-haired man, who opened his mouth
And said, “If they had the designated hitter in
“Minnie Minoso’s day he would still be playing
“And he would be in the Hall of Fame by now.”
Some from the 004 drank beer as they ate
Appetizers and there was wine for the ladies
But most of these policemen from the Quad
Drank rum and Coke in honor of Minnie Minoso.
Kurt Glinski, the gray-haired man, opened his mouth
And said, “The Green Olive had bean bag sessions
“On Monday nights where Minnie Minoso used to
“Drink a whole big pitcher full of rum and Coke.”
Kurt Glinski continued, “If you want to drink a drink
“As a drink ought to be made, if you want to play pool,
“If you want to drink alone or with six of your friends,
“If you want a perfect jukebox, if you want to watch
“Belly whomping or want to belly whomp yourself
“The Green Olive is the place for you. Minnie Minoso
“Was a regular and he could have gone anywhere
“In Chicago but he was a regular at the Green Olive.”
What about the 005? That night 005’s delegation
Was led by Bud Budnik, the gray-haired man
Accompanied by his wife. He had worked
Third shift for the bulk of his career. Vic Fantozzi,
Steve Girdzius, Leo Jungers, Hank Fahrenbach,
Bill Antonick, Jake Fennessey, Dick Grublesky,
Pat Moonan and their wives rounded out
The 005 delegation like a great flock of birds.
Then the waiters cleared the appetizers’ remnants
And the main courses of the night were announced,
Which were the lasagna, the rigatoni gorgonzola,
The chicken rotolini, or the linguini with clam sauce.
John Czarnik at the 006 table wanted the lasagna
As did his wife, and also as did Gene Hugentugler
and his wife, and Mike Davros and his wife,
But Jerry Frosch and his wife wanted the rotolini.
Moving on to the policemen from the 007,
Big Joe Smolnarski was the leader of the pack,
With his hair the color of iron gray like clouds
Over Lake Michigan on the winter mornings
When Joe Smolnarski made extra money by
Snowplowing driveways. Joe Smolnarski
Was accompanied by his wife as also were
Mort Musk, George Henry, and Sid Milsaps.
From the 008 there came Fred Lipkowicz,
Elroy Baker, Luke Botica, Nick Di Giola,
Walter Bednik, Wayne Burzyzh, Phil Delia,
Bob Alongi, and Joe Furmanek who told how
Minnie Minoso’s sixty-fifth birthday party
Was held at the old Calumet Beach Inn and
Minnie Minoso said, “I’m sixty-five but I am
“Still hitting them with the bases loaded.”
Representing the 009 that night like
A great flock of birds were Stan Chiliki
And his wife, Bob Donek and his wife,
Al Dibicz and his wife, and Pat Galvin,
Sam Guistolise, Phil Hess, and last but
Not least Sergeant Guido Indellacotto
And his wife, as were Pat, Sam, and Phil
Accompanied by their wives that night.
Fred Keuter led the 010 delegation
That included Tom Bouras, Jake Conley,
Vic Getsudas, Leo Riba, Bob Buzek,
Buddy Popko and other policemen
Too numerous to mention, all of them
Accompanied by their wives, and as the
Evening wore on the talk turned to how
Minnie Minoso could do no wrong.
Vic Getsudas then opened his mouth,
The gray-haired man, and he said,
“One time I saw Minnie Minoso outside
“The old 2350 Club with Plush Falbo
“And I knew he was up to something but
“It was an unwritten rule how Minnie Minoso
“Could do no wrong. I also used to see him
“Outside the bowling alley on Diversey.”
Leo Riba said, “Minnie Minoso got himself
“A pass in the 010 and all over Chicago since
“The word came down from on high that
“He was the fair-haired boy so to speak.
“On account of he was Minnie Minoso,
“We were told to look the other way if
“Minnie Minoso got involved in something
“Because the word came down from on high.”
From the 011 we had Walt Figler, Al Koenig,
Hix Baskin, Max Coffindafer, and John Lekis,
All of them accompanied by their wives.
Hix Baskin, the gray-haired man, said,
“Except when he was playing baseball
“Minnie Minoso never wore a baseball hat.”
Max Coffindafer said, “Even on real hot days
“Minnie Minoso never wore short pants.”
Regarding 012, it was the private fiefdom
Of Lieutenant Bob Hilliz who on this night
Had Phil Bruno, Tom Coyne, and Len Ficht,
In his entourage, all well along in years
And each man accompanied by his wife.
Bob Hilliz opened his mouth and said,
“As a boy I got a Mickey Mantle baseball card
“But what I really wanted was Minnie Minoso.”
Then with a look of bemusement on his face
Bob Hilliz continued and said, “I traded
“Mickey Mantle to Fuzz Voit who now works
“In the Sanitation Department for Minnie Minoso
“And I never gave it so much as a second thought.”
Phil Bruno said, “If I had it to do over I might join
“The Sanitation Department but a lot of those guys
“Are big time booze hounds, understandably.”
Just as in many office buildings there is no
Thirteenth floor or in cities there is no
Thirteenth Street, there is no 013 District
In the Chicago Police Department so we skip
Now to the 014 District which is bounded by
Elston Avenue on the east, Division Street
On the south, Belmont Avenue on the north,
And Central Park Avenue on the west.
From 014 were Bob Ceska, Chuck Risko,
George Ramboldt, Pete Kula, Bill Lewis,
Gene Podgorniak, and Louie Rappmann,
All of them accompanied by their wives.
Bob Ceska, the gray-haired man, was
Always warmly greeted by police officers
Because of Bob Ceska’s annual parties on
Memorial Day, Fourth of July, and Labor Day.
His annual parties were in Bob Ceska’s
Large backyard and all the police officers
Were automatically invited along with
Their wives, asking only that everyone
Pitch in some food or a drink item and
In all the years of the parties only once
Had there been a rainout at which time
Everyone transferred to inside the house.
It was a tradition at Bob Ceska’s parties
That at some point during the party
When everyone was feeling good
That Bob took out a record player
And played an old record of military
Marching songs like Anchors Aweigh,
The Marine’s Hymn, Over There, and
Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder.
When the music started everybody
Would sing along and then march
Around the outside of Bob Ceska’s
Backyard or on the occasion when
The annual party was rained out
They marched around Bob Ceska’s
Living room and even spilled over
Into the kitchen and the dining room.
Usually besides the police officers
There would be some local celebrities
At Bob’s Ceska’s annual parties like
An ex-Notre Dame football player or
Old Cubs or White Sox players such
As Moe Drabowsky who in his career
Actually played for both the Cubs and
The White Sox at one time or another.
But over the years Moe Drabowsky became
Persona non grata among the policemen
At Bob Ceska’s parties because Moe Drabowsky
Never brought Minnie Minoso to a party and
The policemen were saying to each other
How Moe Drabowski needed a kick in the ass
Since he never brought Minnie Minoso,
Because of which he needed a kick in the ass.
We proceed to the 015 table where a
Waiter found Ed Barnes, Sam Cognato,
Pup Erickson, Bob Ganz, Mike Kozumlik
And their wives, to whom the waiter
Reiterated how the main courses were
The lasagna, the rigatoni gorgonzola,
The linguini with clam sauce, or the
Chicken rotolini on this evening.
Sam Cognato shrugged his shoulders as if
To say, “What difference does it make?”
He ordered the rigatoni. Mike Kozumlik,
Ed Barnes, and Pup Erickson had lasagna.
Bob Ganz, the gray-haired man, said,
“Minnie Minoso used to call the Black Angus
“And say, ‘I like to eat and I’m not afraid to pay
‘For it, so I’m coming over in twenty minutes.’”
Mike Kozumlik, the gray-haired man
Was something of a walking encyclopedia
And he said, “Was that the old Black Angus
“In Arlington Heights? Uncle Andy’s Cow Palace
“On Harlem Avenue was a good restaurant
“And Leoni’s on Lake Street in Melrose Park
“Was a good restaurant as was Toscano’s
“At 2439 South Oakley Avenue in Chicago.”
Mike Kozumlik went on, “The Millionaires Club
“On South Wabash Avenue was Minnie Minoso’s
“Old stomping ground despite the fact of how
“The clientele in the Millionaires Club was all
“Stumble-bums mooching after the boiled eggs,
“Turkey, chicken, ham, bread rolls, and soup
“At the free salad bar. The salad bar was actually
“Invented in a town called Plover, in Wisconsin.”
From 016 were Tony Menze, Sub Peterson,
John McRory, Pat Osuscik, Fred Krenzer,
Randy Jedlick, Hank Hubley, and Lee Gipps,
All of them accompanied by their wives.
Tony Menze opened his mouth and said,
“When I worked in traffic the Bryn Mawr
“Exit off the Outer Drive was considered
“To be a real gold mine by a lot of guys.”
Tony Menze continued, “One night I pulled
“Over Minnie Minoso who was going about
“Seventy miles an hour. I said, ‘Hey Minnie,
‘Where are you going in such a hurry?’
“He said, ‘I’m going to see my girlfriend.’
“He got a pass for being Minnie Minoso
“But the Bryn Mawr exit off the Outer Drive,
“Was like shooting at a fish in a barrel.”
The 017 was represented by Mike Black,
Roy Delafield, Ed Gilwa, Kurt Kuhnlie,
Alphonse Irgang, and Rudy Kotchendorf,
All of them accompanied by their wives.
Ed Gilwa said, “Years ago I worked with
“The late great Artie Epler in the old
“Area North Detective Division when it
“Was at Belmont and Western Avenue.”
Mike Black opened his mouth and said,
“In the old days you know who else was
“At the Area North Detective Division?
“Marty Klemko, but he was withering
“On the vine. He was a policeman’s
“Policeman but was hamstrung for years
“Because Artie Epler, for all his good qualities,
“Refused to let him show what he could do.”
Now we leave the 017 table and go to
018’s table where the fine police officers
Will Brod, Neem Sancino, Walt Crews,
Francis Cotomi, and Joe Bliss were eating
And talking good-naturedly to each other
As their wives also talked good-naturedly
Among themselves, so that the two groups
Were more or less oblivious of one another.
Francis Cotomi the gray-haired man said,
“I don’t like this terminology of the so-called
“Viagra Triangle, which to me is nothing but
“Glorifying the old Rush Street nightlife area
“Of small fry out of town tourists here for
“The sales conventions. I don’t know about
“Viagra but those dumb hicks drink beer
“On Rush Street for fifteen dollars a bottle.”
Joe Bliss explained to Francis Cotomi,
“It’s called the Viagra Triangle because
“Rush Street, State Street, and Chicago Avenue
“Form a triangle, and men there take Viagra.”
Will Brod then huffed and puffed and said,
“Minnie Minoso didn’t care about Viagra.”
Walt Crews huffed and puffed and said,
“Minnie Minoso didn’t know what Viagra is.”
At the table occupied by the fine policemen
Of the 019 District – they were Matt Corey,
Bert Hesser, Lester Gancarz, Mike Torys,
Ab Frick, and Doug Nyder, all of them
Accompanied by their wives – Ab Frick said,
“Minnie Minoso had great admiration for
“Judge Abraham Lincoln Marovitz who was
“An old-time dyed-in-the-wool Sox fan.”
Ab Frick, the gray-haired man, went on,
“When Judge Abraham Lincoln Marovitz
“Administered the oath of office to the first
“Mayor Daley, Minnie Minoso held the Bible
“Because at that time in 1955 the Sox were
“At the height of their powers and the Mayor
“Was every bit of as big a White Sox fan as
“Was Judge Abraham Lincoln Marovitz.”
We move now to the 020 table which was
Populated by these fine policemen and
Their wives: Jake Skinkle, Ben Knudtson,
Marv Brege, Larry Cluck, Luther Meeks,
Dennis Pothmo, and Cam Schumacher
Whose years on the street were finished
And now he sat behind a desk at the 020
Interviewing applicants for liquor licenses.
As for the policemen of 021, these men
Whose names were Jim Mudd, Bo Jentsch,
Leo Marubio, Al Gronau, Herb Samelius,
Eddie Jelic, Hank Sinclair, and Bobby Minkus,
All of them accompanied by their wives,
Were finishing their main courses and
Were getting ready for the dessert of either
Tiramisu or New York-style cheesecake.
So too were the policemen from the 022 --
Earl Tanner, Billy Kleinhultz, Steve Frangos,
And the O’Shea brothers, Bob and Michael,
All of them accompanied by their wives --
They too were looking at the desserts
Of Tiramisu or New York-style cheesecake
Of which the cheesecake was chosen by
Most of these policemen and their wives.
Steve Frangos said, “Minnie Minoso always
“Ordered stuffed shrimp anywhere we ate.
“Every single time like clockwork he ordered
“Stuffed shrimp and the funny part was how
“I started ordering stuffed shrimp myself
“And it got to the point where whenever
“The two of us walked into a restaurant they
“Automatically gave both of us stuffed shrimp.”
At the 023 table were Frank Fleishlieber,
Mike Burchmore, Press Clark, Sam Desauer,
Sal Devino, Vic Formeliam, Bruno Miltzow,
And Hap Magnus, and each of those policemen,
Those gray-haired men of the 023 District
Who were accompanied by their wives like
A great flock of birds, they had the cheesecake,
Every last one of them had the cheesecake.
So too did Herman Kanefsky of the 024
Have the cheesecake, the gray-haired man
Had the cheesecake as did Jack Grommnik,
Vern Holwick, Stan Jozwiack, Mike McCarthy,
Theo van Breems, Am Buba, Dave Kuzda,
and Bob Kyle – they had the cheesecake,
All of them accompanied by their wives,
And their wives too had the cheesecake.
Now Frank Umschlager was stopping by
All the tables, he was having a few laughs
At each table and then he would move on
To the next table until finally at the last table
He came to the 024 and the aforementioned
Jack Gromnik, Vern Holwick, Stan Jozwiack,
Mike McCarthy, Theo van Breems, Am Buba,
Dave Kuzda, Bob Kyle, and Herman Kanefsky
Herman Kanefsky sang For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow
As Frank Umschlager dropped by the 024 table
As he had dropped by all the tables that evening,
And then while the waiters were pouring coffee
For the policemen of 024 Al Jablonski stationed
Himself at the front of the room and when he
Banged a spoon on a glass a silence descended
As when a great fish descends under the water.
Frank Umschlager also fell silent, no longer
was Frank Umschlager sharing a few laughs
At the 024 table as he realized that Al Jablonski
Was going to say a few words and then he himself,
Frank Umschlager, the man of the hour, would say
A few choice words of his own as the silence kept
Descending like when a great flock of birds lands
All at the same time in a deserted cornfield.
Al Jablonski, the gray-haired man, opened
His mouth and said, “Considering how much
“We all dislike Frank, I want to thank you for
“Coming out tonight. The streets of Chicago
“Are a lot safer with all of you dingbats here
“In one place. But seriously, we love Frank
“And we love his wife albeit from a distance,
“So here’s a real quick recap of Frank’s career.
“For the past thirty years Frank Umschlager
“Has been running down leads, making arrests,
“Breaking down doors, pulling his gun on people,
“And logging overtime whenever he possibly could.
“The upshot is, Frank Umschlager may not embody
“What a Chicago policeman is supposed to be but
“God help us he embodies what a Chicago policeman
“Actually is. Hey, I’m just kidding you, Frank!”
Then Al Jablonski took a glass off a table
And raised it and said, “Congratulations,
“Frank, you’re a good man, my friend.”
He took a sip of whatever was in his glass,
As did the other policemen around the room,
Even if there was only water in their glasses,
And as this was happening Frank Umschlager
Stepped up and shook hands with Al Jablonski.
As Al Jablonski slipped away Frank Umschlager
Addressed all the policemen gathered there,
All of them accompanied by their wives,
He addressed the policemen with a sincere
Tone of voice, he seemed pretty calm, but then
As he continued his voice choked up a little
So he had to get control of himself before
He could start to speak again, which he did.
He took a drink of water and then he said,
“In German the name Umschlager means
“To beat around the bush which is funny since
“I don’t like to beat around the bush so it’s
“Like calling a tall guy shorty or a fat guy
“Skinny because it really means the opposite.
“Umschlager means to beat around the bush
“But I don’t like to beat around the bush.”
Frank Umschlager then said, “Be that as it may
“People have no idea what being a policeman
“Is really like, you’re putting your life on the line
“Every day whether it’s ticketing a nice old lady
“In Lincoln Park or locking up stumble-bums,
“Jack-rollers, the mopes, lowlifes, or whatever.
“You guys who worked the wagon third shift,
“As I did for five years, you know what I mean.”
Frank Unschlager went on, “You want to know
“Something else that people have no idea about,
“Which is the furthest thing from their minds
“As they go along their merry way? People have
“No idea about the importance of Minnie Minoso
“To the Chicago Police Department, they don’t have
“Idea number one about how Minnie Minoso is
“On our minds every second as Chicago policemen.
“If you were to ask Mister Joe Citizen of Chicago,
“Do you see those policemen in that squad car,
“What do you think they’re talking about right now?
“I can promise you that the answer you will get
“Would not be they’re talking about Minnie Minoso.
“But they probably were talking about Minnie Minoso
“Because Minnie Minoso is what being a policeman
“Means from your first day at the police academy
“Why is Minnie Minoso important to us as policemen
“And why is Minnie Minoso important to me personally
“As a policeman? I’ll tell you a couple of quick stories.
“I got a call about a fight at the DMV on Elston Avenue
“And while I was there I saw Minnie Minoso at a desk
“Attempting to renew his driver’s license and there
“Appeared to be some sort of problem going on
“So I walked over and I said, ‘What’s the problem?’
“The woman said, ‘He can’t read the eye test letters’
“Which were on the wall behind her because of how
“Minnie Minoso was pretty old at the time so I said
“‘Let’s try it again’ and then I read the letters myself
“And I said ‘He did it’ but she said ‘He didn’t do it’
“So I said ‘He did it’ and she was going to bitch
“About it so I looked at her again and she shut up.
“I’m sure many of you have your own such stories.”
“Another time I was in the old Ann Sather’s restaurant
“On Belmont Avenue and I saw Minnie Minoso standing
“By a table eating the smorgasbord or whatever it was
“And then a guy comes and says, ‘Hey, that’s my food,
‘I just went to the bathroom.’ The guy was bitching
“So I went over there and said ‘What’s the problem?’
“And the guy said ‘He’s eating my food, I went to the
“Bathroom and I came back and he’s eating my food.’”
“So Minnie Minoso said, ‘I come from the poor country
‘Of Cuba and I don’t like to see people waste any food.’
“But the guy refused to take no for an answer and
“He said, ‘I wasn’t wasting it, I went to the bathroom’
“So I said, ‘He doesn’t like to see people waste food’
“But the guy was bitching about it so I looked at him
“And he shut up. I said, ‘Here’s your smorgasbord’
“And I felt like sticking his head in the smorgasbord.”
At that point Frank Umschlager took a deep breath
So it looked like he might start to cry but he didn’t.
He took another drink of water and then he said
“Another time I was at the Sox game on opening day
“And they introduced Minnie Minoso before the game.
“There were some high school kids standing there
“That were laughing so I said, ‘What’s so funny?’
“So one said, ‘Minnie is a girl name like Minnie Mouse.’”
Frank Umschlager went on, “Another kid said that
“Minnie could mean something little like a miniskirt.
“So I told them how I didn’t think that was funny
“And how I was going to straighten them out about
“What people don’t know about Minnie Minoso.”
Frank Umschlager took another drink of water
And he looked across the room at the policemen
All of whom were accompanied by their wives.
He then went on, “But everybody in this room
“Already knows what I told those young kids.
“Look at Joe Smolnarski over there from 007,
“He knows what I told those young kids,”
Frank Umschlager said as he pointed his finger
In a very friendly way at Joe Smolnarsky,
The gray-haired man, who then nodded
His head slowly like an old gray horse.
Frank Umschlager continued, “Look at Al Gronau
“Over there from 021. How are you doing, Al?
“Al Gronau knows what I’m getting at now,
“Hell yes, Al Gronau knows what I told the kids
“At Sox park when Minnie Minoso was introduced.”
Whereupon Pup Erickson from the 015 leaped
Up like a great fish jumping out of the water
And he said, “Orestes Minoso! Orestes Minoso!”
After that it was Gene Podgorniak’s turn,
The gray-haired man from 014 who leaped up
Like a great fish and said in a loud voice
“His real name was Orestes Minoso!”
Then other policemen who were there
Such as Lee Gipps and Walter Bednick,
And Jake Skinkle leaped up and they said,
“His real name was Orestes Minoso!”
Frank Umschlager finally began to cry and
He said, “Orestes Minoso!” and they were
All yelling “Orestes Minoso! Orestes Minoso!”
-- Steve Girdzius, Sam Guistolise, Gene Fiebig --
And they all marched around the room
All of them accompanied by their wives
Like a great flock of birds and their laughter
Reverberated off the ceiling of Cucina Albanese.
Liszt
You’re buying a can of tuna fish
As you’ve done so many times
Over the years but this is today,
This is the exact can of tuna fish
You’re buying now, it’s different
From all other cans on the shelf,
This is the Chicken of the Sea
Light Chunk tuna fish in water
You’re buying at this moment
And you’re thinking of Liszt and
Lina Schmalhusen as you buy it,
The name of Lina Schmalhusen
Echoing in your mind, ricocheting
Around in your brain as you buy
this tuna fish -- Lina Schmalhusen,
Lina Schmalhusen -- and her rivalry
With Dori Petersen, both of them
Students in Liszt’s master classes
For piano performance and the
Rivalry getting worse and worse
Until Liszt himself had to compose
A stern letter to Dori Petersen and
This is the precise can of tuna fish
You buy on this day and you take it
Home in your car in a paper bag.
You’re making a tuna melt as you have
Often done in your life but never this one
That you’re making at this exact moment
In this kitchen with this can of tuna fish
That you put in the sink and on the counter
Beside the sink you place a bowl, a spoon,
A spatula, a knife, a can opener, a lemon,
A bottle of mayonnaise, a white onion,
A pack of pre-sliced cheddar cheese,
And two pieces of rye bread. Meanwhile
Liszt is still on your mind -- Liszt, Liszt –
And Lina Schmalhusen’s rivalry with
Dori Petersen in 1883 when Liszt was
Drinking absinthe and Achille Colonello,
His manservant was powerless to stop him.
You slice off a section of the onion and
You dice it on a plastic cutting board,
And you use the knife to sweep it off
The board into the bowl as you return
Your attention to the can of tuna fish
In the sink and then you open the can
With the can opener and then, without
Removing the lid, you press down
On the lid with your thumbs to drain
Water from the opened can of tuna fish.
Has almost all of the water been drained
From the can of tuna fish in the sink?
You lift the top of the can for a moment
And if too much water seems to remain
You replace the top and -- with the can
Still in the sink -- you press down again
Even harder than before, after which
You remove the top, discard it, and
With the knife as your tool you transfer
The tuna to the bowl where the onion is.
Liszt suspended Dori Petersen from
His master classes with that letter
Stating that ‘this whole intrigue was
‘Initiated by you in a mean-spirited way.’
But then Lina Schmalhusen was caught
Shoplifting so that Liszt, after assuring
Himself of her innocence, felt obligated
While the matter proceeded to trial
To engage the judge and convince him
To drop the charges. Now you place
A skillet on a burner of the kitchen stove
And turn on the flame to heat the skillet
Even before the sandwich is actually
Placed on the skillet and you do this
For reasons that will be made clear.
You open the bottle of mayonnaise and
Use the spoon to scoop out a dollop
Of the mayonnaise which then goes into
The bowl with the onion and the tuna,
And all the while the skillet is heating.
Still using the spoon, you amalgamate
The contents of the bowl and then,
Using the knife, you slice the lemon
In half and drip some lemon juice
Into the bowl. Moving quickly now,
You distribute spoonfuls of the tuna
Mixture onto a slice of the rye bread
And when this is done you remove
A slice of the cheddar cheese from
Its package, spread the cheese on top
Of the tuna, and cover it with the other
Slice of bread to make a sandwich upon
Which, using your full weight, you press
Your hands down onto the sandwich
So that, more often than not, some tuna
Extrudes from the sides of the sandwich.
This is tuna that you can replace beneath
The top piece of the rye bread, or you can
Ignore this tuna or discard this tuna which
Is sometimes called orphaned tuna.
Why was it important to heat the skillet
Even before the sandwich was finished?
Why did Liszt exert himself on behalf of
Lina Schmalhausen against Dori Petersen
And for what reason did he do it again
With Lina Schmalhausen’s shoplifting?
Were the skillet not well-heated before
Receiving the sandwich, then the side of the
Sandwich that was heated first would heat
Slower than the other side of the sandwich
When the sandwich was turned over onto
The now-hotter skillet, which could be
Bothersome if the poorly heated side
Were the side closest to the cheese
And there would also be a tedious
Turning over of the sandwich until both
Sides were more or less evenly heated.
Liszt’s concern for Lina Schmalhausen
Likely arose from her introduction to Liszt
By Empress Augusta of Prussia, to whom
An indifference toward Lina Schmalhausen
Would have seemed like a slap in the face.
Liszt was now 73, in the twilight of his years.
Lina accompanied him from town to town
And generally made his life more bearable.
At first he was Little J.A. in a Prospect of Flowers
But he kept on doing it and by the end he was in
The Library of America – two volumes, mind you.
“Here a scarf flies, there an excited call is heard,”
That’s his best line I believe, but “Attention, shoppers”
Is also wonderful and there are so many good ones.
Some might say that “mild effects are the result”
Sums up his oeuvre but I certainly don’t agree
And if I ever said that it was just to get his goat
As the shadows lengthened and we were wondering
If man is horrible, for instance, as he wrote in
“These Lacustrine Cities.” Once I recalled to him
His recommendation of years past that I read
The poetry of Muriel Rukeyser and he replied,
“Are you sure it was me?” with that sly grin and
The hint of insinuation like old wine that has
Almost turned to water except there’s something
Still going on there, but what? Or is it just you?
There was a day I mused to the class
How making love with Queen Elizabeth
Would be interesting – surely at Columbia
I was the only professor who thusly mused
And I often mused, as when I mused how
Poets would be interested in the word ashtray
But prose writers would be interested in all
The different people who used the ashtray
Or when I mused on Friday, February 7, 1964,
As the Beatles first arrived on these shores
That it would be interesting to be famous like
The Beatles and meet beautiful Brit women
And one of the students said, “Elizabeth again?”
So I laughed and mused, “God save the queen.”
What did you think was going happen, anyway?
Don’t say you were never warned! Old Herrick’s
“Live here blitheful while ye may” gets the message
Across, or how about this one: “The worms crawl in,
"The worms crawl out, the worms play pinochle on
"Your snout.” It’s not like having tenure at Columbia,
Where it’s almost impossible to get rid of you. In fact,
You’ll get rid of yourself, the only question is when.
That grumpus-wumpus Philip Larkin put it this way:
“Most things never happen, this one will.” Well, okay,
You get it. Uncle! Call off the dogs! “Though he slay me,
"Yet I will honor him,” spake Job in the Book of Job
So let’s go to the Cedar Bar. Except that’s closed.
What about Max’s Kansas City? The West End?
"It's very difficult to criticize my French,
since I speak perfectly."
-- Kenneth Koch, in conversation
It’s very difficult for me to write this poem
After I’ve been dead for eighteen years
Or maybe even longer depending on when
You’re reading it but it’s very difficult
For me to know exactly when that might be
Since keeping track of time is very difficult
For the dead with one day much like another but
Not writing this poem would also be very difficult
Because I started writing poems at a young age
And it’s one of the things I got used to without
Ever getting completely used to it like making love
Is something else I never exactly got used to
Since it’s very difficult to make love perfectly
Like I could speak French perfectly.
It’s very difficult to write about my future at this point
Since I don’t have one but I can draw inspiration
From John’s lines in Civilization and Its Discontents,
“I could only gaze into the distance at my life like
“A saint’s with each day distinct” and in fact each day
Is so distinct that even long-forgotten remarks
Flit into one’s consciousness like the randomness
Of a hummingbird’s flight across a table set for
A charming breakfast in the backyard of the parents
Of a beautiful and brilliant girl you want to marry
Despite a rather obvious age differential and suddenly you
Hear yourself saying, “Rubens married Helene Fourment
“When she was just sixteen and they even had five children.”
Wait a minute, where was I?
You see, it’s very difficult to manage a train of thought when
The tracking mechanisms of time and space are
Removed but I was about to say that slapdash reminiscences
Now crop up like bumblebees not entirely unwelcome
But somewhat alarming all the same and in particular I had
In mind the first year I taught writing at Columbia when
Apropos of who knows what I observed to the startled class,
“When you’re twenty you think you will never die but when
“You’re forty you know you will.” Funilly enough (funnily enough!)
I was only thirty-nine so I was kind of looking into the future
Except not like when you meet a beautiful girl and you know you
Will make love with her without knowing exactly when
But more like you’re speaking French with her and she speaks
Perfectly and then she uses a word you’ve still got to learn.
If I could push a button and write
A new Kenneth Koch poem
I would push a button and write
That I could push a button so
We are hitchhiking again near
Vallauris and the sky is cloudy
But who cares since we’re young
And plain silly and when rain falls
We keep on skylarking as they say
In the army until we knock it off
As they also say in the army and
We make love and write poems
And if we get old I push the button
Again a hundred thousand times.
At Area and at Limelight, two silly
Dance clubs of the bygone era,
She threw up, and at Café des Artistes,
The fine restaurant on 67th Street,
Sometimes she threw up there as well.
Once on the subway, a midnight train
I now recall, she threw up but we
Had the whole car to ourselves,
Fortunately. It was quite late and
She had mostly the dry heaves.
How different was that time on the
Ferry when she so copiously threw up
That onlookers’ stunned silence
Gave way to spontaneous applause
Which, as she took a bow, intensified.
Nothing affirmed her beauty like
Her vomiting – the sunlight yellows
And the deep forest greens of it,
Calling to mind at once the colors
Of Lombardi’s Green Bay teams
And Rimbaud’s astonishing line,
'Mon triste cœur bave à la poupe.'
Trapped on a long drive with an atheist
I closed my eyes and sought refuge in
My earliest erotic fantasies of capture
By an Apache warrior maiden, cruel
At first but then merely unpredictable.
As the atheist droned on the scent of
Formaldehyde characteristic of his
Persuasion suffused the vehicle and
Obligated me to explain this aroma
To the warrior maiden who fiercely
Demanded ‘What’s that awful smell?’
‘Formaldehyde,’ I answered and
With a shrill war-whoop she bared
Her breasts and pounced on me.
My friend died and a few days later
In a dream called me on my cell;
‘Hey how are you doing?’ he said.
‘I can’t complain,’ was my reply,
‘And you? How is it being dead?’
A brief silence and he declared,
‘Nobody has to do it, just use
‘Gorilla Glue, man.’ I took this in
And asked. ‘But use Gorilla Glue
For what, old friend? The sundry
‘Household tasks?’ His reply had
Some heat: ‘Use Gorilla Glue, bro,
‘If you know what’s good for you!
‘Gorilla Glue!’ And he was gone.
Black hour of your constellation
In February, war still on, night
Of terrifying Outer Drive toward
University of Chicago environs.
It could not have been easy.
I condemn you to death by drowning!
Hello, I am immune to misfortune.
Virtue is sufficient for my happiness.
Passion is not my purview nor is
Crying over spilled milk or laughing
Like a horse my habitude. I guess
You’d call me a stoic and I admit
That the Enchiridion by Epictetus
Is one of my all-time favorite books.
So picture me in your mind’s eye.
Do you see an old man struggling
Up a hill or a beautiful young girl
Brushing her hair? Well, whatever
You see is a function your own
Hangups, not mine or anyone else’s.
The seeming impossibility of the Great Pyramid
Engendered in him such contempt for people
That he chose isolation lest he start screaming
How petty and foolish were their vainglorious
Accomplishments compared to even a single
Miraculous fact about the Great Pyramid.
Every inch of his shitty room was choked with
Handwritten manuscripts, drawings, website
Images downloaded over the years, and books
On aspects of Egyptology. To make ends meet
He worked as a gofer in a real estate law firm
Filing eviction papers in the city hall’s stale air
While distancing himself from that wage slavery
With thoughts of the Great Pyramid’s mysteries.
Then one day a young paralegal came to work
At the firm. Observing her at the copying machine
He was so flabbergasted by her perfect proportions
And symmetries that a vast new area of research
Opened for him that night in which he learned how
Many of the ancient world’s first investigations of
Ratio and design were attempts to identify the
Ideal proportions of feminine beauty. Consequently
The bust of Queen Nefertiti created by the sculptor
Thutmose in approximately 1350 BC became his
New infatuation whereby he conceived of Nefertiti
As an anthropomorphic culmination of principles
Materialized centuries earlier in the Great Pyramid.
There came a day, again at the copying machine,
When he sought to explain his recondite investigations
To the young paralegal: how the secrets of insight and
Achievement by the ancients lay first in empirically
Deriving laws of womanly allure, then expressing
Those discoveries in the Great Pyramid and finally
Rendering them in flesh and blood so to speak as the
Bust of Nefertiti. ‘The proof of the pudding,’ he said
Excitedly, desperately, with everything riding on this,
“The proof of the pudding,” he gasped as he shot her
A raised-eyebrow glance connoting some vision of
An impossible intimacy, “The proof of the pudding is
In what the name Nefertiti literally means -- which is --
Which is – um – um -- the beautiful one has arrived!”
One class of problems –
Math people will attest
to this – can be clearly
Articulated whereupon
It only remains for an
Answer to be found
Or never to be found
But finding the answer
Is of small significance
And even of sad banality
Relative to the problem’s
Articulated clarity which
Inherently demotes it to
A purgatory of minor interest.
Another class of problem
Ghostly and insinuating
Can’t be rendered in words
Or symbols but you definitely
Know it’s there, you feel it
As something very wrong
With you but what? What?
You try to find words for it
Or to create a mental image
For this problem in intimate
Conversations or before sleep
And if it occurs to you that
You might not awaken --
Or is that the problem at last?
Radio
I left it
on when I
left the house
for the pleasure
of coming back
ten hours later
to the greatness
of Teddy Wilson
"After You've Gone"
on the piano
in the corner
of the bedroom
as I enter
in the dark
from New and Selected Poems by David Lehman
THE RULE OF THUMB
by T.P.Winch
Ringfinger was nervous
Pinky terrified
when they learned
that Hand might succumb
to the rule of Thumb.
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