Posted by Mitch Sisskind on February 15, 2021 at 10:16 AM in Feature, From the Archive, Mitch Sisskind - Correspondent at Large | Permalink | Comments (0)
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Schmegeges everywhere. Look over yonder
Where schmegeges march down the street,
See how the schmegeges cavort themselves
Day and night, how new schmegege variations
Appear, marching, marching, tailgating me,
Telephoning me, telling me what they think,
Singing schmegege roundelays, drinking,
Dancing, eating what the schmegeges eat,
Dressing like schmegeges, raising children
As schmegeges, questioning how schmegege
Has traditionally been understood, redefining
Schmegege, and always marching, marching,
Marching, I did not think there were so many
Schmegeges and now I too begin to march.
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The Old Pogue
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Posted by Mitch Sisskind on November 12, 2020 at 01:36 PM in Mitch Sisskind - Correspondent at Large, Poems | Permalink | Comments (0)
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They called him Tight Pants Blair and he
Favored an eccentric notion of time derived
From A.N. Whitehead's Process and Reality.
In a nutshell, Tight Pants Blair proposed that
The past does exist but with a certain flatness
So that nothing in the past is farther back or
Deeper in the past than anything else. Thus,
Our "distance" from the Egyptian pharaohs
Is the same as our "distance" from yesterday's
Hamburger or anything else in the past that
You care to name. For example, when did you
Lose your virginity? Tight Pants Blair would
Argue that the meaningful question would be
Not when, but simply did you lose it or not?
Posted by Mitch Sisskind on November 06, 2020 at 02:26 PM in Feature, Mitch Sisskind - Correspondent at Large | Permalink | Comments (1)
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Posted by Mitch Sisskind on October 30, 2020 at 03:15 PM in Mitch Sisskind - Correspondent at Large | Permalink | Comments (1)
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Oh, on summer mornings darting through
The county club's immense parking lot of
Antique cars restored with great affection
Or perfectly preserved: reds, greens, yellows,
As if snatched from the nearby flower beds,
And here the thwack of a struck tennis ball
Was heard, there a golf ball took to the air.
War das nicht eine schöne, schöne Zeit?
Oh, winter afternoons at the bowling alley
Down a flight of stairs from Diversey Avenue
Where outrageous transactions commonly
Took place; oh, and the movie theaters all
In walking distance of one another, the Covent,
The Century, the Lake Shore, and the Parkway,
Best loved of all, renowned for its decrepitude.
War das nicht auch eine schöne Zeit?
But oh, what has a beginning has an ending,
Said Senator Edward M. Kennedy at the time
Of his very grave brain tumor diagnosis. Alas,
But let's not make a federal case out of it.
As La Rochefoucauld observed, thinking of
Death, like staring at the sun, can't be done
For long, or shouldn't be. So grieve not. Oy.
Und hast du dich nicht so gut amüsiert?
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When you really need a wimpy
You get one. It was our mantra
Those many nights awaiting
Delivery of the Racing Form
To the newsstand on Diversey
Even as we called a longshot
Like Greystone Park a whale
Or how a consistent winner like
Doctor Morrie Weiss was called
A woolly mammoth with payoffs
That could feed an entire village
Albeit at even money or less.
But a wimpy? You will get one
When you need one. Period.
*
Very pleased that my Collected Poems
is now available on Amazon >>
Posted by Mitch Sisskind on July 27, 2020 at 04:34 AM in Mitch Sisskind - Correspondent at Large | Permalink | Comments (0)
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Posted by Mitch Sisskind on May 22, 2020 at 02:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
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AKEIDAH (BINDING): THE BINDING OF ISAAC
Herman Fishman asked, "Why did God instruct
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, his son."
Julius Jaffe replied, "The Torah says, 'God tested
Abraham." (Bereshis 22:1) And God did not
instruct Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. God said,
'Offer him.' on a mountain" (22:2)
Herman Fishman said, "But you're splitting hairs."
Julius Jaffe replied, "Oy, not if you're Isaac." He
continued, "So much can be said about these
verses that for the moment I will make only
a few observations."
He went on, "We read, 'Abraham rose early
in the morning and saddled his donkey.' (22:3)
In biblical Hebrew, 'donkey' is a homonym
for a word meaning 'physical matter.' So this
passage suggests that Abraham was grounded
in physicality when he departed for the
mountain with Isaac and two young men,
one of whom might have been his son Ishmael."
Julius Jaffe continued, "Later we read, 'On the
third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw
the mountain afar off. Then he said to the
young men, Stay here with the donkey, while
the lad and I will go yonder.'" (22:5)
He went on, "Why the donkey again? There
is a commentary in which Abraham takes
Isaac aside and asks, 'My son, do you see a
great cloud at the top of the mountain, or
a pillar of fire?' Isaac replies, 'Yes, I see that'
and Abraham says, "I see that also.'"
Julius Jaffe continued, "Then Abraham asks
the two young men if they see anything on
the mountain. When they say they do not,
Abraham tells them, 'Very well, the donkey
doesn't see anything either. So you will please
stay here with the donkey.'"
He went on, "In other words, Abraham and
his son were detaching from the physical
realm which the donkey represents."
Herman Fishman asked, "Are donkeys
present elsewhere in the Torah, with
similar meanings?"
Julius Jaffe answered him, "I believe there
are a few. But more often there are camels."
Herman Fishman concluded, "Surely there
is more to the story of the binding of Isaac
than first meets the eye."
Julius Jaffe wept and said, "Oy vey, yes, yes,
there is much more."
Posted by Mitch Sisskind on May 08, 2020 at 08:59 AM in Mitch Sisskind - Correspondent at Large | Permalink | Comments (0)
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EMUNAH
When Herman Fishman asked Julius Jaffe
to discourse on emunah, Julius Jaffe’s mouth
twisted into a rictus as if he were trying to lift
a huge weight.
Finally Julius Jaffe said, "Fools and silly
people who refer to emunah as faith
or belief are like ignorant farm animals.
When Moishe called out to God on the banks
of the Red Sea, God said, "Why do you call
out to me? Tell the people to go forward."
He continued, "Then Nachshon walked into
the Red Sea and the waves parted, but not
until the water had reached Nachshon's neck.
This was to test Nachshon's emunah, his
certainty."
He went on, "Such is my own emunah that
on Shabbat I can turn the Rienzi Hotel into
a blimp that travels back into the past or
ahead into the future at my direction. But
you must tell no one about this. Do you
agree?" And Herman Fishman agreed.
MOISHE AND THE ROCK
As the sages instruct, Julius Jaffe studied Torah
at three o'clock in the morning, when most of
the demons are sleeping.
One night, as he read Shemot Chapter 17 (“Moishe
strikes the rock”) Julius Jaffe merited a startling
insight that illuminated all of Torah. He was overjoyed
and recited the Sh'ma.
But a moment later he was saddened by the thought
of jackasses and their televised bonehead preachments.
FUN FOR THE FEEBLE
They were walking. Herman Fishman said,
"In English there's there's an expression,
'fun for the feeble.' How would one say
that in Jewish?"
Julius Jaffe replied, 'Shpas far die schwach.'"
He continued, "God sees the end in
the beginning. If I show an acorn to
a fool, the fool thinks that only a fool
would believe that the acorn contains
an oak tree."
He went on, "God sees not just the
oak tree, but all the acorns yet to
come, and all the trees yet to come."
"Therefore," Herman Fishman asked,
"did he know that Adam and Eve
would eat the forbidden fruit?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Yes. It was shpas far
die schwach.":
"THE TWO JAKES"
He said, "My favorite movie is The Two Jakes."
He said, "My favorite novel is From The Terrace."
He said, "My favorite song is Moments to Remember,
by The Four Lads." Herman Fishman asked, "What
is your favorite food?" He said, "Chicken pot pie."
TRUTH
Harvey Gershman asked him, "How
can I know truth?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"By three attributes."
He continued, "Truth is simple,
but deceptively so. For example,
'Buy low and sell high' seems
simple, but what is high? What
is low? You see, it's not as
simple as you thought."
He went on, "Secondly, the opposite
of truth may also be truth. For example,
money is everything, and money is
nothing."
He continued, "Most importantly,
truth is funny. Consider a definition
of zero: a number A which when
added to a number B results in a
sum of B, which is funny."
Then Herman Fishman said, "How
about when the subtrahend is A and
the minuend is B and you get B,
which is funny."
Then he said, "What about when
you multiply a very large number
by zero and you get zero, which
is funny."
Julius Jaffe said, "Or when you
multiply a negative number by
another negative number and
you get a positive number,
which is funny."
Speaking of truth, he concluded,
"'Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.'"
(Proverbs 31:25)
SHINDERMAN
Shinderman approached Julius Jaffe
and said, "I have a chance to make a
lot of money on an investment but there
is some risk. What should I do?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Make the investment. You
can make a lot of money."
Shinderman returned and said, "I lost
my money. But there's another investment
and I still have some money left. What
should I do?" Julius Jaffe said, "Take a
chance. You can make a lot of money."
Shinderman reappeared and said,
"I lost my money again. I only have
two dollars left to my name. Should I
bet my two dollars on a longshot at
the racetrack?" Julius Jaffe said, "Yes."
Shinderman came back and said,
"I lost my two dollars! Now I have no
money. What am I going to do?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Do you really have no money
at all? Not even a quarter? Not even a
dime?" Shanderman said, I have no money!
Not even one cent!" Julius Jaffe said, "That's
wonderful."
Then Shinderman was beside himself.
He shouted, "What! How can you tell me
it's wonderful after I've lost everything?"
Julius Jaffe said, "Because now you can
really pray."
PRAYER
Herman Fishman asked, "What is the
most important prayer?" Julius Jaffe
replied, "Only this: Lead me in the
correct path."
AARON WOLNER
Aaron Wolner said, "To capture the
benevolence of a beautiful woman,
I said, 'You're looking good.' Was
this correct?" Julius Jaffe shook his
head. He replied, "No. You should
say, 'Let's get the show on the road.'"
ARNOLD CHANKIN
When Arnold Chankin died, Julius Jaffe
said, "He was a great businessman.
But he never made any money."
Herman Fishman asked, "What business
was he in?" Julius Jaffe said, "He was in
the children's furniture business. But he
was not in the children's furniture business."
Herman Fishman asked, "Is this possible?"
Julius Jaffe answered, "Yes and no."
SAM PELKIS
Sam Pelkis died and Herman
Fishman said, "He died from
intestinal disease." Julius Jaffe
said, "It was a blessing upon him
as a righteous man."
Herman Fishman asked, "How was
it a blessing?" Julius Jaffe explained,
"Most righteous people die from intestinal
disease."
He quoted Rabbi Yosi: "'May my portion
be among those who die from intestinal
disease, as most righteous people die
from intestinal disease.'"
ABISHAG THE SHUNAMMITE
Julius Jaffe read from Melachim:
Now King David was old and stricken in years;
and they covered him with clothes, but he felt
no warmth.
His servants said unto him, ‘Let a young virgin
be sought for my lord the king and let her stand
before the king, and let her cherish the king,
and let her lie with the king that my lord the
king may feel warmth.’
They sought a fair virgin in Israel and found
Abishag the Shunammite and brought her to
the king. She cherished the king and ministered
to him but he knew her not.
Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself,
saying, ‘I will be king.'
Julius Jaffe commented, “Why did Adonijah exalt
himself? Because the king felt no warmth, the
king knew her not, so the king must die.”
Herman Fishman asked, “Have you conjured
Abishag the Shunammite?” Julius Jaffe replied
the he had conjured her.
Herman Fishman asked, “What words did you
speak toward to conjure her?” Julius Jaffe
answered, “’Only say the word, and it shall be
so for you’ (Job 22:28.) In that same hour
she stood before me.
Herman Fishman asked, “Did you feel warmth?”
Julius Jaffe replied. “‘He who chops wood is
endangered thereby.’” (Ecclesiastes 10:9) He
continued, “How much wood would a woodchuck
chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would
chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could, if a
woodchuck could chuck wood.”
He concluded, "But you must tell no one about
this. Do you agree? And Herman Fishman agreed.
Posted by Mitch Sisskind on April 17, 2020 at 09:45 AM in Mitch Sisskind - Correspondent at Large | Permalink | Comments (0)
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FOUR ATTRIBUTES OF A TZADDIK
Herman Fishman asked, "Was Shlomo
Putchkis a tzaddik?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"No, because Shlomo Putchkis did not
possess the four attributes of a tzaddik."
He continued, "A tzaddik must come
from a lineage of tzaddikim, both in his
generations and also in his connection
with his teacher, and through his teacher
in his connection with his teacher's teacher,
and his teacher's teacher's teacher.."
He went on, "A tzaddik must have traversed
all ten of the sefirot, perhaps over the course
of many lifetimes."
He further stated, "A tzaddik must diligently
learn Torah for its own sake. 'Those who seek
Me will find Me.'" (Proverbs 8:17)
He concluded, "As an exemplar of tikkun
olam, a tzaddik must teach, inspire, and lead
others in the correct path, and this work
continues even after the revival of the dead."
LILITH
The companions were walking. Julius
Jaffe said, "When Lilith was cast into
the bottom of the ocean, Adam in his
unhappiness consorted with demon
women for 135 years."
Sidney Plouse asked, "Did God ever
consort with Lilith?"
Julius Jaffe replied, "Yes. After the
destruction of the Second Temple and
the exile of the people, the Shekinah
remained with the people while God
separated himself from the people
and consorted with Lilith."
Herman Fishman asked, "How can a
man know if his wife has been possessed
by Lilith?"
Julius Jaffe said, "A man and his wife
must have a secret word. Also, if a
wife refuses to lie beneath her husband,
she has been possessed by Lilith. Feh.
It was for this that Lilith was cast into the
bottom of the ocean.."
SINS OF THE MARRIAGE BED
Julius Jaffe was walking with Herman
Fishman. Julius Jaffe said, "Alike unto
the dinner table, the marriage bed has
many prohibitions. Wrongdoings can
bring forth a child with two heads."
Herman Fishman inquired, "Of all the
prohibitions of the marriage bed, which
one is the most dire to transgress?"
To which Julius Jaffe replied, "When a man
and wife are locked in intimate embrace,
should one or both of them think lasciviously
of another person, feh, no transgression
is worse than this one. Their child will have
webbed feet like a duck."
As they walked on Herman Fishman said,
"But what of Jacob who, at the moment
of conjugal bliss, must surely have called
out Rachel's name in the darkness, although
his bedmate was Leah?"
Julius Jaffe answered without hesitation,
"Yes, but Jacob had been hoodwinked to
believe he was with Rachel!"
He continued, "Further, when Jacob realized
the deception and upbraided Leah, she quite
correctly answered in kind: 'Are you not my
teacher and am I not your pupil? I learned
from your fine example. When your father
Isaac called you by Esau's name, you said,
Here am I.'" And they continued on their way.
EVEN BEFORE HE CREATED
Julius Jaffe said, "Even before he undertook
the creation of the world, even before he
brought Adam into being, God revealed to
Adam the entire future of humankind, from
the first day until Moshiach's arrival."
He continued, "Some may ask how God revealed
the entire future of the world to Adam even before
the world was created. Some may ask how Adam
witnessed this revelation even before the creation
of Adam himself."
He concluded, "Feh! Feh! The highest emanations
of the Sefirot -- Keter, Chochmah, Binah -- are not
vouchsafed to us and even to inquire regarding
Keter, Chochmah, and Binah causes judgment to
be rendered!"
IF A MAN'S HAIR FALLS OUT
Herman Fishman said, "My hair is falling out."
Julius Jaffe replied, "One whose hair falls out
will succeed in his affairs, as the sages teach,
if his hair falls out before he grows old. If his
hair falls out after he grows old, he will become
the opposite of what he was before, whether for
good or bad."
He continued, "Sol Benish, when he was old his
hair fell out at the spot where his tefillin were worn.
Then he became a deceiver, a gossiper, whispering
but not out loud."
He continued, "When the forehead of a man is thin
and angular, not round, he thinks he is wise but he
knows little. He laughs with his tongue, like a snake."
He went on, "A forehead that is large but not rounded?
Or two upper large wrinkles on his forehead and one
wrinkle above one eye and one wrinkle above the other
eye? This conceals madness, but people do not perceive
it. He becomes wise, even in Torah, but not for its own
sake. Sometimes he succeeds and sometimes not."
He went on, "Similarly, yellowish-green eyes -- madness
lies within him. But green eyes surrounded by white, he
is beloved. The color black does not appear in him. Amen."
"I WOULD PUT IT DIFFERENTLY"
Morrie Brier said, "What is a lot of money
to some people is not a lot of money to
other people." Julius Jaffe said, "I would
put it differently." He said, "What is not
a lot of money to some people is a lot
of money to other people." He continued,
Or, what is a lot of money to some people
is a lot of of money to other people, and
so on ad infinitum."
HE BIT HIS TONGUE
Julius Jaffe was 118 years old. They were walking
and Herman Fishman said to him, "Tell me a great
secret." Julius Jaffe replied, "Have I not told you?
But I cannot show you, that is, the way of a man
and a woman."
They walked on and he said, "'Three things are too
wonderful for me, yea, four things which I know not:
an eagle in the air, a snake upon a rock, a ship in
the sea, and the way of a man man with a woman.'"
(Proverbs 30:18)
He explained, "A husband and his wife intimately
embrace and when the Creator sees, he likewise
embraces Shekinah until there is a great exuberation
of Light upon the world."
They walked on and Herman Fishman said, "The
subsequent verse?"
Julius Jaffe said, "'The way of an adulterous
woman: she eateth and wipeth her mouth and
saith, I have done no wrong.'" (Proverbs 30:20)
He continued, "This refers to Lilith," He added
"Feh! Feh!" and he spit over his left shoulder
and he bit his tongue.
THE PARTRIDGE THAT SITTETH ON EGGS
In the 1950s he invented the Hula Hoop, he was a
pioneer in color television, he marketed poodle
skirts, he patented the Tastee Freeze dispenser,
Disneyland was his idea, he built atomic bomb shelters
for the rich, he discovered Elvis Presley, he developed a
rubber seal for refrigerator doors, he invested in
McDonald's, he wholesaled Davy Crockett coonskin
hats, he capitalized on Jello-o molds, shrimp cocktails,
and frozen TV dinners. He did this in secret because
secrecy sustains the world, as the sages teach, but
in spite of himself, and secretly, Julius Jaffe was a
wealthy man.
His home was a single room on the fourth floor of
the Rienzie Hotel. He ate bowls of cottage cheese
mixed with sour cream and crushed crackers. He
ate baked potatoes and boiled potatoes, He drank
seltzer water. He read For Two Cents Plain by
Harry Golden. He read The Old Bunch by Meyer
Levin. He learned Torah, as is written, "His delight
delight is in the law of the Lord, and in his Law doth
he meditate day and night." (Psalm 1:2)
Oy vey. Yet he was not fruitful, he did not multiply.
(Beresheet 1:22) nor was he as the tree planted
by the waters, that spreadeth out roots by the river
and hath not care when the heat cometh. (Jeremiah 17:8)
Was he not rather as the partridge that sitteth on eggs
but hatcheth them not; so he that getteth riches shall leave
them in the midst of his days, and at his end shall be a fool?
(Jeremiah 17:11) Oy vey. Oy vey.
EVERY BEGINNING IS HARSH
After Gus Golding died, Herman Fishman, Sidney Plouse,
and Julius Jaffe began playing three-handed pinochle
on Sundays.
On the first Sunday Julius Jaffe wept and said, "Every
beginning is harsh, but later comes gentleness. Upon
the birth of Benjamin, Shekinah was fully arrayed in
twelve tribes. Because Shekinah derives from Judgment,
oy, her manifestation meant death for Rachel."
When the game ended the three companions went to
the Far East restaurant for Chinese food. Julius Jaffe
continued, "Oy vey. Every beginning is harsh, but later
comes gentleness, forgiveness,and atonement at the
conclusion of Yom Kippur." And they all said, "Oy vey."
A GREAT FISH
Sidney Plouse and Julius Jaffe were walking accompanied
by a Jew. Sidney Plouse said to Julius Jaffe, "Open your
mouth and deliver words of Torah."
Julius Jaffe replied, "'Her ways are ways of delightfulness.'"
(Proverbs 3:17) The Jew said, "A coin in a flask is found in
this verse." They said, "How do you know it?"
He said, "I heard it from my father. Wherever in Torah one
reads 'ways' -- her ways were opened by the patriarchs
who dug in the sea and entered her. Those ways are open
on every side, in every direction in the world."
Julius Jaffe said, "Who then was your father?" The Jew
said, "My father was a Great Fish," and he was gone.
MAN WITH A BIRD ON HIS HEAD
Herman Fishman and Julius Jaffe were walking. Herman
Fishman said, "I see a man with a bird on his head."
Julius Jaffe said, "Is that a human being there? No, it is
a hint of wisdom given to us."
He called out to the man with a bird on his head, "What is
the meaning of 'He will swallow up death forever and wipe
away tears?'" (Isaiah 25:8) The man replied, "When He
enacts his prerogative, the powers of harsh judgment will
be denied, including death -- but not until the Jews by their
righteousness arouse His enactment."
Julius Jaffe gave him twenty dollars. Why? Because
only in the Upper World is wisdom free.
A BLACK ROOSTER
Herman Fishman said, "When the moment of death approaches,
when the judgment of a human being is aroused, a black rooster
crows but nobody hears it except the one taking his final sleep."
Then he asked, "Why is it a black rooster?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"Oy. A black rooster -- what difference does it make?"
KINDLING FROM WHICH THE FLAME ARISES
Julius Jaffe said, "Every black letter of Torah is sacred, but more
sacred still are the white spaces between the letters, above and
below the letters, and even within the letters themselves."
Sidney Plouse asked, "Why is that the case?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"As the letters are black flame, the white spaces are kindling from
which the flame arises. The letters are male, the white spaces
are female."
Posted by Mitch Sisskind on April 03, 2020 at 09:19 AM in Mitch Sisskind - Correspondent at Large | Permalink | Comments (1)
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OLD SONG
Julius Jaffe sang an old song:
'Boys, boys, too much noise!
Abie! Louie! Kum in hoyz!'
CONCUPISCENCE
Julius Jaffe said, "In Torah,
the Land of Egypt is a metaphor
for concupiscence."
THE GODFATHER PART III
Morrie Brier asked Julius Jaffe for
his opinion of The Godfather Part III.
Julius Jaffe said, "Feh! Feh!"
BERNIE BERLOWITZ
Julius Jaffe said, "By transgressing
a single word of Torah -- 'yarbeh' --
King Solomon caused the splitting
of the kingdom for his descendants.
How much more so, then, for Bernie
Berlowitz, who transgressed the
whole book of Shemot!"
FASTING AND FRESSING
On Yom Kippur, Julius Jaffe attended
services, and, as befits a Jew, he was
fasting. But following the services he
saw the Rabbi fressing on hard boiled
eggs. In shock, Julius Jaffe exclaimed:
"Rabbi, why are you fressing so?"
The Rabbi smiled. "I am modest in
my piety," he said. "When I fress,
I hide from others that I am fasting."
THE ANGEL OF DEATH
Julius Jaffe was carrying a large box of bricks on
his shoulders. The day was hot. Too weary to
go on, Julius Jaffe dropped the box and called
out to the Angel of Death. At that instant the
Angel appeared and said, "Can I be of service
to you?" Now trembling in fear, Julius Jaffe said,
"Yes. Could you help me put this box of bricks
back on my shoulders?"
Posted by Mitch Sisskind on March 25, 2020 at 01:38 PM in Mitch Sisskind - Correspondent at Large | Permalink | Comments (1)
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Radio
I left it
on when I
left the house
for the pleasure
of coming back
ten hours later
to the greatness
of Teddy Wilson
"After You've Gone"
on the piano
in the corner
of the bedroom
as I enter
in the dark
from New and Selected Poems by David Lehman