The Best American Poetry

Julius Jaffe: The Analects (5) [by Mitch Sisskind]

RABBI RABINOWITZ

Julius Jaffe approached Rabbi Rabinowitz.

He said, "I will marry Esther Tabachnik.

I am 118 years old."

Rabbi Rabinowitz said, "'Today I have

begotten you.' (Psalms 2:7) On certain

days -- every day, really, but also on

certain days -- it is as if we are born

anew. Our sins (feh) are not just

forgotten but it is as if they never

existed in the first place."

He continued, "'Be fruitful and

multiply.' (Bereshis 1:28) This is

the first commandment in the

Torah, which all these years

you have not obeyed (feh.)

He went on, "When we will stand

before the Heavenly Tribunal we

will be judged less for the sins

we have done (feh) than for the

mitzvot we failed to do. Most

important of all, of course, are

the mitzvot we have actually done."

 

He continued, "Now, with your

marriage to Esther Tabachnik

and by your intimate embrace

of her, you will replace your

failure to enact Torah's premier

commandment (feh) with the

mitzvah of all mitzvot! Kinehora!

Mazel tov!"

 

 

NYPD BLUE

Julius Jaffe and Herman Fishman watched

NYPD Blue on television. Julius Jaffe said,

"Sipowitz must complete his tikkun, from

the sefirot of Gevurah to that of Chesed."

Herman Fishman said, "This is the reverse
of Abraham."

Julius Jaffe continued, "When his tropical

fish die, we can see struggle in the face

of Sipowitz."

Herman Fishman added, "Confucius

said the most important thing in life

is the expression on your face."

Julius Jaffe added, "No matter what

happened, Rav Zusha said, 'It is for

the best.'"

Herman Fishman added, "The younger

brother of Rav Zusha was Rav Elimelech."

 

"MY SIN IS ALWAYS BEFORE MY EYES"

David spoke before YHVH, "Why is not a blessing

concluded with my name, as it is with Abraham?"

The Holy One answered, "I have already tested

Abraham, and he stood erect before me." David

said, "Test me then, O YHVH!" -- Zohar

Julius Jaffe said, "Batsheva was the test and he

failed that test."

Herman Fishman said, "But Batsheva was his soulmate."

Julius Jaffe replied, with a teaching of Rabbi Yishma'el,

"'He ate her when she was unripe.' That is, she was

still married to Uriah the Hittite."

Herman Fishman said, "Oy."

Julius Jaffe continued, "But he passed the more

severe test of teshuvah, which is true repentance:

As he wrote, 'My sin is always before my eyes'
(Psalms 51:5) and further, 'Purge me with hyssop
and I shall be clean; Wash me and I shall be whiter
than snow' (Psalms 51:9), and still further, 'Create
me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast
spirit within me.'" (Psalms 51:12)

 

 

THE LIGHT AND THE VESSEL

Julius Jaffe said, "Rav Ashlag, elaborating

on teachings of Rav Isaac Luria, describes

desire as existing in two forms: desire for the

self alone (feh) and desire for the purpose

of sharing."

He continued, "YHVH has no desire for the
self alone. The only thing he 'wants' or 'needs' 
is a Vessel with which he can share his Light.
So he manifested a Vessel that embodied a
desire to receive -- a desire that he somehow

brought into being although it was foreign

to his own nature. Yet the Vessel was still
composed of God's essence in the same
way that a bowl made of ice remains

identical with water."

 

He went on, "Then there came a time --
and YHVA had certainly anticipated this --
that the Vessel, because it was composed
of God's essence of sharing, expressed its
own desire to share."

 

He continued, "Thereupon YHVH withdrew his
Light from pouring into the Vessel, and the
Vessel shattered into an infinite number of pieces,

or sparks, as the sages sages say."

.

Herman Fishman asked, "What happened

then?"

 

But Julius Jaffe wept and said, "Oy, I will

save that for another time."

Julius Jaffe: The Analects (4) (by Mitch Sisskind)

JUDGMENT

Seeing that Herman Fishman was

about to step on an ant, Julius Jaffe

urgently intervened to let the ant pass.

He said, "When a judgment against a

man has been rendered in the Upper

World, he is always given the opportunity

to soften that judgment through some

seemingly insignificant action."

Herman Fishman said, "Has a judgment

been rendered against me in the Upper

World?"

Julius Jaffe replied, "Oy. Bite your tongue."

RABBI RABINOWITZ

 

As he was studying Torah late one night

Lilith (feh) appeared in Julius Jaffe’s room

in the Rienzi Hotel. After she appeared

again the following night, Julius Jaffe met

with Rabbi Rabinowitz.

Rabbi Rabinowitz said, “Oy vey. Did

any words come out of her mouth?” Julius

Jaffe replied, “She cast her gaze around the

room and with wicked laughter she said,

‘And the appearance of the vision that I saw

was like the vision that I saw when I came

to destroy the city.’” (Ezekiel 43:3)

Then Rabbi Rabinowitz wept and quoted the

Zohar: “We see that all the nations have risen,

and Israel is lower than all of them. This is

because the Above sent the Shekinah away
from Him and took the slave woman Lilith in
her place. Who is this slave woman? At first
she sat behind the grinding mill, and now
she has inherited the place of her mistress."

Rabbi Rabinowitz explained, “As He consorts

with Lilith above, the Shekinah consorts with

Samael below, and so it will be until Moshiach.”

He continued, “With Lilith He does not pour out

his seed. But listen to this wonderful miracle. At

Shabbat, when a righteous Jew and his soulmate

intimately embrace, He and the Shekinah are

reunited, whereupon He pours out his seed which

pours down Light upon the world.”

He went on, “However, when a Jew lives alone

in a dark space Lilith arrives to seduce him and

wickedly laughs in the lewd triumph of her

usurping the place of the Jew’s soulmate in the

Jew’s bed just as she has usurped the place of the

Shekinah with God in the Upper World. Feh!”

ESTHER TABACHNIK

 

They were walking. Julius Jaffe said,

"I will marry Esther Tabachnik."

He continued, in the name of Rabbi

Rabinowitz, "A man alone in a room,

Lilith (feh) plagues him in the midnight

hour.

He went on, "But Esther Tabachnik,
'her price is above rubies. The heart
of her husband doth safely trust in her.
She will do him good and not evil all
the days of her life.'" (Proverbs 31:10-12)

Herman Fishman said, "Kinehora."

 

JERRY CHAIMOVICH & RAV ASHLAG

 

Herman Fishman asked, "Why are the
wicked so strong? 'I saw under the sun,
in the place of justice, that wickedness
was there, and in the place of righteousness,
that wickedness was there.'" (Eccl. 3:16)

Julius Jaffe replied, "'The righteous and
the wicked God will judge.'" (Eccl. 3:17)

He explained, "No act of righteousness
goes unnoticed by YHVH. Even Jerry
Chaimovich once, perhaps, left a ten
dollar tip at the old Fritzl's restaurant
on State Street. Therefore Jerry
Chaimovich is rewarded in this world
with money, big cars, and also the
companionship of beautiful women."

He continued, "But because his righteous
action has already been fully compensated,
Jerry Chaimovich will partake of nothing
in the Upper World! But in the Upper World
Rav Ashlag is rewarded beyond all imagining!"

 

THE MAN

"And a certain man found him,

and, behold, he was wandering

in the field, and the man asked

him, 'What seekest thou?'"

(Bereshis 37:15)

Herman Fishman asked, "Who

is the man that found Joseph

wandering in the field?"

He continued, "Rashi tells us

that the man was the angel

Gabriel, as it is written, 'Yea,

while I was speaking in prayer,

the man Gabriel whom I had

seen in the vision at the beginning,

and being caused to fly swiftly,

approached close to me at the

time of the evening offering."

(Daniel 9:21)

But Julius Jaffe answeed, "No,

the man was Bobby Minkus."

Herman Fishman inquired, "Bobby

Minkus?" Julius Jaffe replied, "That

is to say, his soul."

 

SOULMATE

"When a soul issues forth from
the treasury of souls in malchut,
it emerges as male and female,
and after it has descended to
the physical world they separate
and each goes its own way --
the male part manifests in a male

body and the female part in a
female body But if a person has
merit through worthy behavior,

they will join together again as
one in spirit and in body." -- Zohar

Herman Fishman asked, "Esther Tabachnik,

the woman you will marry, is she your soulmate?"

Julius Jaffe wept and said, "No, I have not

that merit. Our sages teach that rejoining

one's soulmate is a greater miracle than

the parting of the Red Sea."

He continued, "But an unmarried man's life

is wasted. He cannot make progress toward

completion of his tikkun, the rectification of

his soul that he is in the world to perform."

He went on, "In fact, the more incompatible a

man and his wife are, the greater is their opportunity

for spiritual work, kinehora,"

MONEY

Shinderman said, "Oy, I had

a big year but I had to give

half of it back in taxes."

Julius Jaffe said, "In this

world good fortune comes

with a price."

He continued, "Money is the

easiest way to pay. But if

you wish to pay differently,

your wish will be granted."

 

APOSEMATISM

Julius Jaffe said, "The serpent in

the Garden was of course very

beautiful, but the Golden Calf

was more beautiful by far."

He continued, "The Golden Calf

was an irresistibly beautiful woman.

She sang and danced, lewdly shaking

her behind."

He went on, "It is the intention of

YHVH that irresistible beauty in

a woman should be a warning to

us, as beauty in a colorful insect or

fish is a warning.This is aposematism."

Herman Fishman said, "Yet the sages

tell us that, compared to Eve, Sarah

was like a monkey."

Julius Jaffe answered, "'Who is this that

darkeneth counsel by words without

knowledge?'" (Job 38:2)

He continued, "'Canst thou lift up thy

voice to the clouds, that abundance

of water may cover thee? Canst thou

send forth lightnings, that they may

say unto thee, Here we are?'"

(Job 38:34-35)

 

AKEIDAH (BINDING): THE BINDING OF ISAAC

Herman Fishman asked, "Why did God instruct
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, his son."

Julius Jaffe replied, "The Torah says, 'God tested
Abraham." (Bereshis 22:1) And God did not
instruct Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. God said,
'Offer him.' on a mountain" (22:2)

Herman Fishman said, "But you're splitting hairs."

Julius Jaffe replied, "Oy, not if you're Isaac." He
continued, "So much can be said about these
verses that for the moment I will make only
a few observations."

He went on, "We read, 'Abraham rose early
in the morning and saddled his donkey.' (22:3)
In biblical Hebrew, 'donkey' is a homonym
for a word meaning 'physical matter.' So this
passage suggests that Abraham was grounded
in physicality when he departed for the
mountain with Isaac and two young men,
one of whom might have been his son Ishmael."

Julius Jaffe continued, "Later we read, 'On the
third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw
the mountain afar off. Then he said to the
young men, Stay here with the donkey, while
the lad and I will go yonder.'" (22:5)

He went on, "Why the donkey again? There
is a commentary in which Abraham takes
Isaac aside and asks, 'My son, do you see a
great cloud at the top of the mountain, or
a pillar of fire?' Isaac replies, 'Yes, I see that'
and Abraham says, "I see that also.'"

Julius Jaffe continued, "Then Abraham asks
the two young men if they see anything on
the mountain. When they say they do not,
Abraham tells them, 'Very well, the donkey
doesn't see anything either. So you will please
stay here with the donkey.'"

He went on, "In other words, Abraham and
his son were detaching from the physical
realm which the donkey represents."

Herman Fishman asked, "Are donkeys
present elsewhere in the Torah, with
similar meanings?"

Julius Jaffe answered him, "I believe there
are a few. But more often there are camels."

Herman Fishman concluded, "Surely there
is more to the story of the binding of Isaac
than first meets the eye."

Julius Jaffe wept and said, "Oy vey, yes, yes,
there is much more."

from "Julius Jaffe: The Analects" (3) (by Mitch Sisskind)

EMUNAH
When Herman Fishman asked Julius Jaffe
to discourse on emunah, Julius Jaffe’s mouth
twisted into a rictus as if he were trying to lift
a huge weight. 

Finally Julius Jaffe said, "Fools and silly
people who refer to emunah as faith
or belief are like ignorant farm animals.
When Moishe called out to God on the banks
of the Red Sea, God said, "Why do you call
out to me? Tell the people to go forward."

He continued, "Then Nachshon walked into
the Red Sea and the waves parted, but not
until the water had reached Nachshon's neck.
This was to test Nachshon's emunah, his
certainty."

He went on, "Such is my own emunah that
on Shabbat I can turn the Rienzi Hotel into
a blimp that travels back into the past or
ahead into the future at my direction. But
you must tell no one about this. Do you
agree?" And Herman Fishman agreed.

MOISHE AND THE ROCK
As the sages instruct, Julius Jaffe studied Torah
at three o'clock in the morning, when most of
the demons are sleeping.

One night, as he read Shemot Chapter 17 (“Moishe
strikes the rock”) Julius Jaffe merited a startling
insight that illuminated all of Torah. He was overjoyed
and recited the Sh'ma.

But a moment later he was saddened by the thought
of jackasses and their televised bonehead preachments.


FUN FOR THE FEEBLE
They were walking. Herman Fishman said,
"In English there's there's an expression,
'fun for the feeble.' How would one say
that in Jewish?"

Julius Jaffe replied, 'Shpas far die schwach.'"

He continued, "God sees the end in
the beginning. If I show an acorn to
a fool, the fool thinks that only a fool
would believe that the acorn contains
an oak tree."

He went on, "God sees not just the
oak tree, but all the acorns yet to
come, and all the trees yet to come."

"Therefore," Herman Fishman asked,
"did he know that Adam and Eve
would eat the forbidden fruit?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Yes. It was shpas far
die schwach.":

"THE TWO JAKES"
He said, "My favorite movie is The Two Jakes."
He said, "My favorite novel is From The Terrace."
He said, "My favorite song is Moments to Remember,
by The Four Lads." Herman Fishman asked, "What
is your favorite food?" He said, "Chicken pot pie."

TRUTH
Harvey Gershman asked him, "How
can I know truth?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"By three attributes."

He continued, "Truth is simple,
but deceptively so. For example,
'Buy low and sell high' seems
simple, but what is high? What
is low? You see, it's not as
simple as you thought."

He went on, "Secondly, the opposite
of truth may also be truth. For example,
money is everything, and money is
nothing."

He continued, "Most importantly,
truth is funny. Consider a definition
of zero: a number A which when
added to a number B results in a
sum of B, which is funny."

Then Herman Fishman said, "How
about when the subtrahend is A and
the minuend is B and you get B,
which is funny."

Then he said, "What about when
you multiply a very large number
by zero and you get zero, which
is funny."

Julius Jaffe said, "Or when you
multiply a negative number by
another negative number and
you get a positive number,
which is funny."

Speaking of truth, he concluded,
"'Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.'"
(Proverbs 31:25)

SHINDERMAN
Shinderman approached Julius Jaffe
and said, "I have a chance to make a
lot of money on an investment but there
is some risk. What should I do?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Make the investment. You
can make a lot of money."

Shinderman returned and said, "I lost
my money. But there's another investment
and I still have some money left. What
should I do?" Julius Jaffe said, "Take a
chance. You can make a lot of money."

Shinderman reappeared and said,
"I lost my money again. I only have
two dollars left to my name. Should I
bet my two dollars on a longshot at
the racetrack?" Julius Jaffe said, "Yes."

Shinderman came back and said,
"I lost my two dollars! Now I have no
money. What am I going to do?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Do you really have no money
at all? Not even a quarter? Not even a
dime?" Shanderman said, I have no money!
Not even one cent!" Julius Jaffe said, "That's
wonderful."

Then Shinderman was beside himself.
He shouted, "What! How can you tell me
it's wonderful after I've lost everything?"
Julius Jaffe said, "Because now you can
really pray."

PRAYER
Herman Fishman asked, "What is the
most important prayer?" Julius Jaffe
replied, "Only this: Lead me in the
correct path."

AARON WOLNER
Aaron Wolner said, "To capture the
benevolence of a beautiful woman,
I said, 'You're looking good.' Was
this correct?" Julius Jaffe shook his
head. He replied, "No. You should
say, 'Let's get the show on the road.'"

ARNOLD CHANKIN
When Arnold Chankin died, Julius Jaffe
said, "He was a great businessman.
But he never made any money."

Herman Fishman asked, "What business
was he in?" Julius Jaffe said, "He was in
the children's furniture business. But he
was not in the children's furniture business."

Herman Fishman asked, "Is this possible?"
Julius Jaffe answered, "Yes and no."

SAM PELKIS
Sam Pelkis died and Herman
Fishman said, "He died from
intestinal disease." Julius Jaffe
said, "It was a blessing upon him
as a righteous man."

Herman Fishman asked, "How was
it a blessing?" Julius Jaffe explained,
"Most righteous people die from intestinal
disease."

He quoted Rabbi Yosi: "'May my portion
be among those who die from intestinal
disease, as most righteous people die
from intestinal disease.'"

ABISHAG THE SHUNAMMITE
Julius Jaffe read from Melachim:

Now King David was old and stricken in years;
and they covered him with clothes, but he felt
no warmth.

His servants said unto him, ‘Let a young virgin
be sought for my lord the king and let her stand
before the king, and let her cherish the king,
and let her lie with the king that my lord the
king may feel warmth.’

They sought a fair virgin in Israel and found
Abishag the Shunammite and brought her to
the king. She cherished the king and ministered
to him but he knew her not.

Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself,
saying, ‘I will be king.'

Julius Jaffe commented, “Why did Adonijah exalt
himself? Because the king felt no warmth, the
king knew her not, so the king must die.”

Herman Fishman asked, “Have you conjured
Abishag the Shunammite?” Julius Jaffe replied
the he had conjured her.

Herman Fishman asked, “What words did you
speak toward to conjure her?” Julius Jaffe
answered, “’Only say the word, and it shall be
so for you’ (Job 22:28.) In that same hour
she stood before me.

Herman Fishman asked, “Did you feel warmth?”
Julius Jaffe replied. “‘He who chops wood is
endangered thereby.’” (Ecclesiastes 10:9) He
continued, “How much wood would a woodchuck
chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would
chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could, if a
woodchuck could chuck wood.”

He concluded, "But you must tell no one about
this. Do you agree? And Herman Fishman agreed.

from "Julius Jaffe: the Analects" (2) [by Mitch Sisskind]

FOUR ATTRIBUTES OF A TZADDIK
Herman Fishman asked, "Was Shlomo
Putchkis a tzaddik?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"No, because Shlomo Putchkis did not
possess the four attributes of a tzaddik."

He continued, "A tzaddik must come
from a lineage of tzaddikim, both in his
generations and also in his connection
with his teacher, and through his teacher
in his connection with his teacher's teacher,
and his teacher's teacher's teacher.."

He went on, "A tzaddik must have traversed
all ten of the sefirot, perhaps over the course
of many lifetimes."

He further stated, "A tzaddik must diligently
learn Torah for its own sake. 'Those who seek
Me will find Me.'" (Proverbs 8:17)

He concluded, "As an exemplar of tikkun
olam, a tzaddik must teach, inspire, and lead
others in the correct path, and this work
continues even after the revival of the dead."

LILITH
The companions were walking. Julius
Jaffe said, "When Lilith was cast into
the bottom of the ocean, Adam in his
unhappiness consorted with demon
women for 135 years."

Sidney Plouse asked, "Did God ever
consort with Lilith?"

Julius Jaffe replied, "Yes. After the
destruction of the Second Temple and
the exile of the people, the Shekinah
remained with the people while God
separated himself from the people
and consorted with Lilith."

Herman Fishman asked, "How can a
man know if his wife has been possessed
by Lilith?"

Julius Jaffe said, "A man and his wife
must have a secret word. Also, if a
wife refuses to lie beneath her husband,
she has been possessed by Lilith. Feh.
It was for this that Lilith was cast into the
bottom of the ocean.."

SINS OF THE MARRIAGE BED
Julius Jaffe was walking with Herman
Fishman. Julius Jaffe said, "Alike unto
the dinner table, the marriage bed has
many prohibitions. Wrongdoings can
bring forth a child with two heads."

Herman Fishman inquired, "Of all the
prohibitions of the marriage bed, which
one is the most dire to transgress?"

To which Julius Jaffe replied, "When a man
and wife are locked in intimate embrace,
should one or both of them think lasciviously
of another person, feh, no transgression
is worse than this one. Their child will have
webbed feet like a duck."

As they walked on Herman Fishman said,
"But what of Jacob who, at the moment
of conjugal bliss, must surely have called
out Rachel's name in the darkness, although
his bedmate was Leah?"

Julius Jaffe answered without hesitation,
"Yes, but Jacob had been hoodwinked to
believe he was with Rachel!"

He continued, "Further, when Jacob realized
the deception and upbraided Leah, she quite
correctly answered in kind: 'Are you not my
teacher and am I not your pupil? I learned
from your fine example. When your father
Isaac called you by Esau's name, you said,
Here am I.'" And they continued on their way.

EVEN BEFORE HE CREATED
Julius Jaffe said, "Even before he undertook
the creation of the world, even before he
brought Adam into being, God revealed to
Adam the entire future of humankind, from
the first day until Moshiach's arrival."

He continued, "Some may ask how God revealed
the entire future of the world to Adam even before
the world was created. Some may ask how Adam
witnessed this revelation even before the creation
of Adam himself."

He concluded, "Feh! Feh! The highest emanations
of the Sefirot -- Keter, Chochmah, Binah -- are not
vouchsafed to us and even to inquire regarding
Keter, Chochmah, and Binah causes judgment to
be rendered!"

IF A MAN'S HAIR FALLS OUT
Herman Fishman said, "My hair is falling out."
Julius Jaffe replied, "One whose hair falls out
will succeed in his affairs, as the sages teach,
if his hair falls out before he grows old. If his
hair falls out after he grows old, he will become
the opposite of what he was before, whether for
good or bad."

He continued, "Sol Benish, when he was old his
hair fell out at the spot where his tefillin were worn.
Then he became a deceiver, a gossiper, whispering
but not out loud."

He continued, "When the forehead of a man is thin
and angular, not round, he thinks he is wise but he
knows little. He laughs with his tongue, like a snake."

He went on, "A forehead that is large but not rounded?
Or two upper large wrinkles on his forehead and one
wrinkle above one eye and one wrinkle above the other
eye? This conceals madness, but people do not perceive
it. He becomes wise, even in Torah, but not for its own
sake. Sometimes he succeeds and sometimes not."

He went on, "Similarly, yellowish-green eyes -- madness
lies within him. But green eyes surrounded by white, he
is beloved. The color black does not appear in him. Amen."

"I WOULD PUT IT DIFFERENTLY"
Morrie Brier said, "What is a lot of money
to some people is not a lot of money to
other people." Julius Jaffe said, "I would
put it differently." He said, "What is not
a lot of money to some people is a lot
of money to other people." He continued,
Or, what is a lot of money to some people
is a lot of of money to other people, and
so on ad infinitum."

HE BIT HIS TONGUE
Julius Jaffe was 118 years old. They were walking
and Herman Fishman said to him, "Tell me a great
secret." Julius Jaffe replied, "Have I not told you?
But I cannot show you, that is, the way of a man
and a woman."

They walked on and he said, "'Three things are too
wonderful for me, yea, four things which I know not:
an eagle in the air, a snake upon a rock, a ship in
the sea, and the way of a man man with a woman.'"
(Proverbs 30:18)

He explained, "A husband and his wife intimately
embrace and when the Creator sees, he likewise
embraces Shekinah until there is a great exuberation
of Light upon the world."

They walked on and Herman Fishman said, "The
subsequent verse?"

Julius Jaffe said, "'The way of an adulterous
woman: she eateth and wipeth her mouth and
saith, I have done no wrong.'" (Proverbs 30:20)

He continued, "This refers to Lilith," He added
"Feh! Feh!" and he spit over his left shoulder
and he bit his tongue.

THE PARTRIDGE THAT SITTETH ON EGGS
In the 1950s he invented the Hula Hoop, he was a
pioneer in color television, he marketed poodle
skirts, he patented the Tastee Freeze dispenser,
Disneyland was his idea, he built atomic bomb shelters
for the rich, he discovered Elvis Presley, he developed a
rubber seal for refrigerator doors, he invested in
McDonald's, he wholesaled Davy Crockett coonskin
hats, he capitalized on Jello-o molds, shrimp cocktails,
and frozen TV dinners. He did this in secret because
secrecy sustains the world, as the sages teach, but
in spite of himself, and secretly, Julius Jaffe was a
wealthy man.

His home was a single room on the fourth floor of
the Rienzie Hotel. He ate bowls of cottage cheese
mixed with sour cream and crushed crackers. He
ate baked potatoes and boiled potatoes, He drank
seltzer water. He read For Two Cents Plain by
Harry Golden. He read The Old Bunch by Meyer
Levin. He learned Torah, as is written, "His delight
delight is in the law of the Lord, and in his Law doth
he meditate day and night." (Psalm 1:2)

Oy vey. Yet he was not fruitful, he did not multiply.
(Beresheet 1:22) nor was he as the tree planted
by the waters, that spreadeth out roots by the river
and hath not care when the heat cometh. (Jeremiah 17:8)
Was he not rather as the partridge that sitteth on eggs
but hatcheth them not; so he that getteth riches shall leave
them in the midst of his days, and at his end shall be a fool?
(Jeremiah 17:11) Oy vey. Oy vey.

 EVERY BEGINNING IS HARSH
After Gus Golding died, Herman Fishman, Sidney Plouse,
and Julius Jaffe began playing three-handed pinochle
on Sundays.

On the first Sunday Julius Jaffe wept and said, "Every
beginning is harsh, but later comes gentleness. Upon
the birth of Benjamin, Shekinah was fully arrayed in
twelve tribes. Because Shekinah derives from Judgment,
oy, her manifestation meant death for Rachel."

When the game ended the three companions went to
the Far East restaurant for Chinese food. Julius Jaffe
continued, "Oy vey. Every beginning is harsh, but later
comes gentleness, forgiveness,and atonement at the
conclusion of Yom Kippur." And they all said, "Oy vey."

A GREAT FISH
Sidney Plouse and Julius Jaffe were walking accompanied
by a Jew. Sidney Plouse said to Julius Jaffe, "Open your
mouth and deliver words of Torah."

Julius Jaffe replied, "'Her ways are ways of delightfulness.'"
(Proverbs 3:17) The Jew said, "A coin in a flask is found in
this verse." They said, "How do you know it?"

He said, "I heard it from my father. Wherever in Torah one
reads 'ways' -- her ways were opened by the patriarchs
who dug in the sea and entered her. Those ways are open
on every side, in every direction in the world."

Julius Jaffe said, "Who then was your father?" The Jew
said, "My father was a Great Fish," and he was gone.

MAN WITH A BIRD ON HIS HEAD
Herman Fishman and Julius Jaffe were walking. Herman
Fishman said, "I see a man with a bird on his head."
Julius Jaffe said, "Is that a human being there? No, it is
a hint of wisdom given to us."

He called out to the man with a bird on his head, "What is
the meaning of 'He will swallow up death forever and wipe
away tears?'" (Isaiah 25:8) The man replied, "When He
enacts his prerogative, the powers of harsh judgment will
be denied, including death -- but not until the Jews by their
righteousness arouse His enactment."

Julius Jaffe gave him twenty dollars. Why? Because
only in the Upper World is wisdom free.

A BLACK ROOSTER
Herman Fishman said, "When the moment of death approaches,
when the judgment of a human being is aroused, a black rooster
crows but nobody hears it except the one taking his final sleep."

Then he asked, "Why is it a black rooster?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"Oy. A black rooster -- what difference does it make?"

KINDLING FROM WHICH THE FLAME ARISES
Julius Jaffe said, "Every black letter of Torah is sacred, but more
sacred still are the white spaces between the letters, above and
below the letters, and even within the letters themselves."

Sidney Plouse asked, "Why is that the case?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"As the letters are black flame, the white spaces are kindling from
which the flame arises. The letters are male, the white spaces
are female."

from "Julius Jaffe: The Analects" [by Mitch Sisskind]

OLD SONG
Julius Jaffe sang an old song:
'Boys, boys, too much noise!
Abie! Louie! Kum in hoyz!'

CONCUPISCENCE
Julius Jaffe said, "In Torah,
the Land of Egypt is a metaphor
for concupiscence." 

THE GODFATHER PART III
Morrie Brier asked Julius Jaffe for 
his opinion of The Godfather Part III.
Julius Jaffe said, "Feh! Feh!"

BERNIE BERLOWITZ
Julius Jaffe said, "By transgressing
a single word of Torah -- 'yarbeh' --
King Solomon caused the splitting
of the kingdom for his descendants.
How much more so, then, for Bernie
Berlowitz, who transgressed the
whole book of Shemot!"

FASTING AND FRESSING
On Yom Kippur, Julius Jaffe attended
services, and, as befits a Jew, he was
fasting. But following the services he
saw the Rabbi fressing on hard boiled
eggs. In shock, Julius Jaffe exclaimed:
"Rabbi, why are you fressing so?"
The Rabbi smiled. "I am modest in
my piety," he said. "When I fress,
I hide from others that I am fasting."

THE ANGEL OF DEATH
Julius Jaffe was carrying a large box of bricks on
his shoulders. The day was hot. Too weary to
go on, Julius Jaffe dropped the box and called
out to the Angel of Death. At that instant the
Angel appeared and said, "Can I be of service
to you?" Now trembling in fear, Julius Jaffe said,
"Yes. Could you help me put this box of bricks
back on my shoulders?"

The Corona Virus holds a press conference (by Mitch Sisskind)

 

Virus: Good morning. I'll be glad to take a few questions.

Reporter #1: What are you actually trying to accomplish?

Virus: Well, there's a moment in The Possessed, the novel 
by Fyodor M. Dostoevsky, when the main character --
I believe his name was Strombolini  -- says that since
he's already made a mess of his life, he'll try to make as 
big a mess of it as possible. In other words, he'll
transform destruction, or perhaps entropy is a 
better word, into creation by making it intentional. 
It's a bit like something Kenneth Koch used to say
about writing poetry: if something isn't working,
do it more.

Reporter #2: So you're an intellectual. Have you read
Susan Sontag's Illness as Metaphor?:  

Virus: Certainly not. But I've infected the University
of Chicago. Did you know that Leo Strauss, the
phlebotomist who for twenty years was the Robert
Maynard Hutchins Distinguished Service Professor
of political science at the University of Chicago, in private
conversations used to worry about the schvartzes 
coming across Jackson Park? Well. he did.

Reporter #2: Don't you mean phenomenologist
rather than phlebotomist?

Virus: Thank you. But rather than either phlebotomist
or phenomenologist, I meant to say podiatrist. What 
used to be called a foot doctor.

Reporter #3: Could you please be serious for 
a moment?

Virus: I'll be serious if you'll be roebuck. It
was a wonderful store at one time. People
used to be able to order a whole house 
which would arrive disassembled in a 
railroad car, and then they'd put it 
together themselves. There were 
31,000 parts. That was going on
even at the time of the 1918 epidemic. 
There simply aren't people like that
today, as Nestor says in Homer's Iliad,
as translated by W.H.D. Rouse.

Reporter #4: Can you please stop your
infernal bookishness?

Virus: All right.

Reporter #4: What do you think of Donald Trump?

Virus: (sighs) I knew someone would ask that.
Listen, Trump is neither the hero nor the 
villain of this story. What's important is not
Trump himself, but the response to Trump 
in you and you and you and you. In this
sense, Trump is like the biblical Pharaoh.
Some people hurried to leave Egypt
when Pharaoh allowed it, and some 
people actually wanted to stay. Lindsey 
Graham would be somebody like that. 
Speaking of which, has it occurred to 
anyone that the name "Lindsey Graham"
naturally suggests "Lindsey Graham Cracker,"
because Lindsey Graham would have been
a segregationist in the old days, and 
"cracker" means a bigoted white person?
You see, the universe is always sending 
coded messages like that, but you people 
need to be aware of them and understand
them. Ahem. I myself am such a message. 

Reporter #4: Oh, for Christ's sake!

Virus: Well, I'm getting a bit weary. But 
before I go, I'd like to ask you a question.
Do you think I will be Time magazine's 
Person of the Year?

Reporter #5: No, because you're not a person.

Virus: (sighs) True -- and that's my tragedy.
I'm a bit like Satan in Paradise Lost, by 
John Milton.

Reporter #6: Oh, for Christ's sake!

Virus: Yes indeed. "Those who have ears,
let them hear."

Columbia College 1967 #29 [by Mitch Sisskind]

Carlson Fenwick, Professor

In our years-long correspondence concerning
All things Shakespearian Alan Grosbeck and I
Sometimes amused ourselves by concocting
Hare-brained interpretations and pursuing
Them to their risibly illogical conclusions.
Aware for instance that in Elizabethan times
‘Nothing’ was a crude slang word for the
Female genitalia, we searched past the oft-cited
Double entendre of Much Ado About Nothing
And discovered that "nothing" was possibly
Shakespeare’s favorite word. In King Lear
Nothing appears eighteen times in just
Fourteen speeches including Cordelia’s
First words to Lear – ‘Nothing, my lord’ --
And in Lear as a whole we found "nothing"
Thirty-four times in twenty-nine speeches
While in The Winter’s Tale "nothing" appears
Thirty-four times in twenty-six speeches.
There’s plenty of nothing in Hamlet too.
So what was Shakespeare up to there?
Possibly nothing. But plenty of nothing.
We had some good laughs over it.

I miss Alan, interred now at Mount Auburn,
And he came to mind yesterday as I read
Sonnet 73 and recalled how we used to
Imagine all the possibilities of who is
Speaking to whom in these fourteen lines.
Oh, spare me the dull and obvious banality
That it’s an old man addressing a younger.
It could be an old woman and her cat or
A young girl and her doll. Why the hell not?
But then a rather novel interpretation came
To me which I wholeheartedly welcomed.
Was there really something new to say
About one of the most commented-upon
Poems in the English language? I hurried
To my bookshelves and consulted Dryden,
Johnson, Coleridge, the Marxists, Freudians,
The New Critics, and even old Yeats whose
Remark that Shakespeare is only a mass of
Magnificent fragments expresses not at all a
Denigration but instead suggests an analogy
Between Shakespeare and the post-Newtonian
Description of the whole far-flung Universe.

But it seems that no scholar in any age has
Proposed that the ‘speaker’ in Sonnet 73
Is actually the poem itself, nor that the subject
Of the poem is the experience of reading it.
‘That time of year thou mayst in me behold’ --
A coy invitation: If you’ve got a moment to
Engage your imagination, the poem says,
These ink spots on a page can conjure up
A windy fall day, some trees, and a ruined
Church or monastery, perhaps one of those
Closed by Henry VIII. And that’s only the
Beginning of what I, the poem, can disclose
If – and it’s a big if -- you have what it takes
To see it. My coy invitation was also a challenge.
You may ‘behold’ the images, or maybe not,
But the final couplet will offer a congratulation
On what ‘thou perceiv’st’ – with a reminder that
Perception won’t last forever. “This’ in line 13
Refers to the inevitability of conclusion, which
Has been universalized in the poem and is now
Demonstrated by the end of the poem itself.
Is there more? Yes, or maybe not. Oh dear God.

Ed. note: "There’s plenty of nothing in Hamlet, too." True, and the studious reader will note the allusion to this great song from Gershwin's Porgy and Bess.

No use complainin'. . .

Readers, vote for the best version. -- DL

Pelosi Quotes Longfellow [by Mitch Sisskind]

Yesterday, introducing the impeachment managers,
Nancy Pelosi invoked Longfellow. It was the 
first time I've heard poetry spoken by a politician 
since Bill Clinton in the 1980's quoted Emerson's
baleful line about the future, "When our sons have
gone to where our fathers are...."

Speaking of baleful, here's a Longfellow poem 
perhaps appropriate for these dark times:

Haunted Houses (1858)

All houses wherein men have lived and died
Are haunted houses. Through the open doors
The harmless phantoms on their errands glide,
With feet that make no sound upon the floors.

We meet them at the doorway, on the stair,
Along the passages they come and go,
Impalpable impressions on the air,
A sense of something moving to and fro.

There are more guests at table, than the hosts
Invited; the illuminated hall
Is thronged with quiet, inoffensive ghosts,
As silent as the pictures on the wall.

The stranger at my fireside cannot see
The forms I see, nor hear the sounds I hear;
He but perceives what is; while unto me
All that has been is visible and clear.

We have no title-deeds to house or lands;
Owners and occupants of earlier dates
From graves forgotten stretch their dusty hands,
And hold in mortmain still their old estates.

The spirit-world around this world of sense
Floats like an atmosphere, and everywhere
Wafts through these earthly mists and vapors dense
A vital breath of more ethereal air.

Our little lives are kept in equipoise
By opposite attractions and desires;
The struggle of the instinct that enjoys,
And the more noble instinct that aspires.

These perturbations, this perpetual jar
Of earthly wants and aspirations high,
Come from the influence of an unseen star,
An undiscovered planet in our sky.

And as the moon from some dark gate of cloud
Throws o’er the sea a floating bridge of light,
Across whose trembling planks our fancies crowd
Into the realm of mystery and night,–

So from the world of spirits there descends
A bridge of light, connecting it with this,
O’er whose unsteady floor, that sways and bends,
Wander our thoughts above the dark abyss.

 

Calliope [by Mitch Sisskind]

When she used the word bullnose to describe
The blunt corner of a marble kitchen counter --
From that moment I was in love with Calliope,
As I inferred a knowledge of carpentry which,
Although I had been unaware of it, I do find
Attractive in a woman whose slender arms
Disguise wiry strength just as her vocabulary
Unexpectedly includes a word like bullnose.
Another turn-on for me is a sylph-like woman
In a form-fitting wedding dress so with pleasure
I anticipate browsing Modern Brides magazine
With Calliope – notwithstanding how when I
Looked up bullnose in the dictionary it was
Defined as a disease of pigs. But no matter!

Voices of Columbia 1967, #1 (by Mitch Sisskind)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jared Korsauer, Student

Every Sunday night a group of us
Get together – a leftist lawyer,
CU Students, a tough black guy
Who got radicalized in the air force,
Some chicks, a psychiatrist who
Knows psychiatry is all bullshit --
Each with revolutionary intentions
And with a revolutionary analysis
Which doesn’t mean they’ve read
Every word that Marx ever wrote
Or all of Stalin’s letters to Molotov
But they understand the dialectic
And they’re action-oriented Leninist
Bolsheviks in the context of 1967.

*
Carlson Fenwick, Professor

Were we really to hear and
Understand Lear’s words,
‘If you have poison for me
“I will drink it,’ or Francesca
Of Canto V, ‘Quel giorno più
‘Non vi leggemmo avante,’
‘That day we read no farther,’
Or von Sternberg’s Blue Angel
In which Jannings dies a tragic
Cuckold and off the screen died
An unrepentant Nazi in 1950 --
Were we to take all that to heart,
Alas, in that case, I’m afraid
We would just cry all the time.

*
James Rice, Student

Pears are pear-shaped Jewish kids
From Brooklyn most of whom
Want to be doctors but they also
Like Government which is called
Political Science at a lot of schools.
Pears hang out in the pear palace
Which is the 24-hour study room
Near the vending machines in
Hartley Hall which are across the
Way from the TV room where
Pears are almost never found.
Jocks who come here from Ohio
Or Texas have never seen a pear
And it hugely freaks them out.

 

Poem for Mitch Sisskind [by David Lehman]

On Veterans' Day let us remember the fallen, and honor them.
It used to be Armistice Day.
Now it is a three-day weekend.
As King David would have said: How the mighty have fallen.
But some things don't change even as all the fashions do
so the old feel older in an orgy of planned obsolescence.
I wondered: Who will inspire them to do the great things
the Alte Kockers of the past revealed in prophecies?

So I went to Mitch, my old friend, thinking: if anyone knows,
he does, and he told me a very simple solution he had
for the problem of inspiration, which Freud would have called
the problem of anxiety. "When you need inspiration,"
Mitch said, "there's no need to look any further than
Orson Welles' classic commercials for Paul Masson wine.
Many of them can be seen on You-Tube. I saw a nice one
the other day. I just wish it went on longer."

Kaia and Krista (by Mitch Sisskind)

I sold a Miro painting for a rich guy

That was basically a big number 68

And oddly enough it sold for about

68,000 so I got a nice finder’s fee

But it would sell for even more now.

 

My friend Dennis had this hot

New babe Kaia who wanted the

Finer things in life so he asked

Me did I know anybody that was

Selling a Picasso or whatnot.

 

Dennis was the kind of guy that

When we were at the race track

And he went to pee he came back

With ice cream cones for everybody

And he did a lot of stuff like that.

 

Many people carry guns but Dennis

Was the only guy I’ve known who

Carried a gun with a silencer but

I never saw him actually take it out

Nor did I see him lose his temper.

 

We went every week to a bar by

Grand Avenue to settle up our

Sports bets and once we came in

And a lowlife mope said to Dennis

You bastard you owe me money.

 

It was kind of a tense moment except

Dennis handled it with great aplomb

By asking the mope in a calm voice

How much do I owe you and the mope

Said 200 so Dennis just gave it to him.

 

When we were outside the bar a guy

Named Jimmy who was with us asked

Why he gave money to the mope and

Dennis said emphatically that it was

Worth his 200 to be rid of the mope.

 

He said how Joey The Clown Lombardo,

Joey Aiuppa, John No Nose DiFronzo,

Those guys owed him favors and with

One phone call the mope would be in

A trunk at O’Hare long-term parking.

 

But he stated that he was not a thug

So 200 to get rid of the mope was

A small price which I attributed to

The influence of Kaia who certainly

Would disapprove of any violence.

 

Meanwhile I happened to know a guy

Who wanted to sell a Matisse drawing

So Dennis and I went over to look at it,

A big drawing of a woman in charcoal

Or something hanging there on the wall.

 

The guy had an impressive art collection

But for some reason he wished to get rid

Of the Matisse which actually looked like

Something that could have been drawn

By a six-year old. He wanted 35,000.

 

Dennis handled it with great aplomb

Except I knew he was thinking how

A six-year old could have drawn it or

He could even draw one himself and

Who would be the wiser? But no.

 

Down in the car we giggled about it.

35,000 just to fuck Kaia he laughed

As much later I would laugh at myself

When I didn’t know or care how much

Krista took me for and she broke me.

 

Sonnet, 11/5/2019 (by Mitch Sisskind)

In the old days working at Republic Steel
We gathered nightly at Moose Cholak’s
Calumet Inn on 99^th Street and Ewing.
It was when polyester double-knit pants
Were coming in and one night this guy
Said to me, 'No reason to worry about
'Pants anymore what with the way these
'Double-knit disco pants are coming in,'
And I said, 'I agree with you completely,'
And he went on, 'Pants are suddenly a
'Non-issue because of the double-knits,'
And I said, 'You are correct,' and as he
Wonderingly shook his head I insisted,
'Beyond any doubt, what you say is true.'

Preface to Lyrical Ballads [by Mitch Sisskind]

Consider the lilies of the field, they toil
not, neither do they spin, yet I say unto
you that even Solomon in his glory was
not arrayed as one of these. -- Matthew 6:28-29

I think Jesus Christ meant that
If you look closely at something
Like a lily you would see how
It would cost a lot of money for
A nice suit like that for a man
Or a nice dress for a woman.

But, and this is a big but: Jesus
Might have been joking or being
Sarcastic like if two rich men are
Hanging out at the country club
And one of them says sarcastically
How money is only pieces of paper.

Since nobody knows what Jesus
Meant it can be one thing at one
Minute and the opposite thing
The next minute, or both at once,
As John Ashbery said, ‘It had been
‘Raining but it had not been raining.’

So when Buddha heard what Jesus
Said about the lily he said, ‘He is not far
From Buddha-hood’ and when he read
Some Trees by John Ashbery he said,
‘The most beautiful first book of poems
‘Since Wallace Stevens’ Harmonium.’

10/22/2019 (by Mitch Sisskind)

It’s my birthday, I’m 147, I’m 741,
I wake in darkness lying on my side
And as I feel a very slight stirring
Against my back I wonder might
This be from the Cthulhu Mythos:
Yig, or Olkoth, who enters the world
Through glass eyes in the statues
Of the Virgin Mary. Oh, you callow
Undergraduates, I’m being serious
Here and the windows tightly shut
Though they may be hardly mitigate
The I-10 freeway’s 4:30 AM roar
From half a mile away. Are you 17,
Honey? Are you 24? Moi, I am 812.

 

In Bojaxi Gezalem (by Mitch Sisskind)

I traveled to Bojaxi Gezalem. I visited the marketplace. I said,
“Nuk mos a mund majtas,” which means, “I have been tooting
my horn.” I had meant to say, “Ndaloni a mund falamenderit,”
which means, “Fruit is what I am eager to buy.” They laughed
at me.

In the hospital I said, “Desha pulla palko te plote,” which means,
“This is the weight.” I had meant to say, “Mund ma trgoni pk
vizat,” which means, “There is no need for you to make such a
fuss about it.” They laughed at me.

I was in the airport. I said, “Eshte per quind shkone,” which means,
“I am looking for a loophole.” I had meant to say, “Eshte me
didjde det bakine,” which means, “This is the window where one
buys the funnies.” They laughed at me.

I went to the brothel and said, “Mund a mund verit kanitier,” which
means, “I need the tow truck.” I had meant to say, “Kifit mos
vazo takoni,” which means, “From now on I will try to be
spontaneous.” They laughed at me.

I prayed and said, “Ora kur mur shesh bardha,” which means,
“My sin is always before my eyes.” I had meant to say, “Ju
duhet keni prisni lema thoma,” which means, “Lead me in the
correct path.” No matter, God heard my prayer!

 

Voices of Mississippi, 1957 (by Mitch Sisskind)

Lyle Ross Crockett
University Administrator

“Chancellor of the University of Mississippi.”
That those five words – or are there six? --
Would ever append themselves to my name,
(Or is my name the modest appendage
To those words?) – well sir, for a fellow
Who grew up around hogs and cotton fields
It is quite a bit to take in. I am not worthy.

Worthy or not, however, I have a job to do
Nor will I let my deeply-felt humility imply
Any lack of confidence in my preparedness
For the Chancellorship, lest that implication
Appear to devalue the respect and gratitude
I feel for my years at other great universities
As an administrator and in classrooms as well.

Like its sister schools across the South,
The academic mission of Ole Miss exists
Side by side with the school’s military,
Athletic, and social responsibilities in ways
That a Harvard or Yale couldn't understand.
We’re an army, a professional football team,
And a matchmaking service all at once.

To be clear, when I call us an army
I use that word in the broadest sense,
Encompassing our infantry ROTC and
Also our Navy and Air Force ROTC corps;
“Army,” after all, derives from the Latin
“Armata” as in armada, the maritime force
That struck England in 1588, I think it was.

As for football, just as the Tampa Tarpons
Are fertile soil for seedlings of major league
Baseball, our football team is professional
Notwithstanding that our players are paid
Later rather than paid now. Scant matter.
Charley Conerly ’47 is the quarterback
In New York, and look ye at Bruiser Kinard.

Apropos Ole Miss as a matchmaking service --
But is marriage bureau gentler to the ear? --
When sons and daughters of the state’s
Eminent families enroll here there is an
Expectation that they’ll graduate with
More than a sheepskin: a life’s partnership,
That is, to prolong their patrician lineage.

In my capacity as University chancellor,
With that legal and even spiritual identity,
I’ve been honored to join a number of
These young couples in holy matrimony.
Violet Beach became Mrs. Wilson Greenhill
Under my auspices, and Floride Bondurrant
Metamorphosed into Mrs. Reed Polifax.

Yes, Hayes Bondurrant is a Ku Kluxer,
And Old Man Greenhill is a horse’s ass.
But might not the progeny of their progeny
Sustain what has worth in antique traditions
While also gestating a new generation of
Hey, whoop, jamboree, as is our fond hope?
I’ve done my part. You may kiss the bride.

The Curse that Cannot Speak Its Name (by Mitch Sisskind)

A New York Times article full of negative insinuations linked
Democrat candidate Tulsi Gabbard to white supremacist
groups and Russian cyberbots. Throughout the article there’s
puzzlement and a certain annoyance about Tulsi Gabbard:
“What is she up to?”

Whatever she may be up to, what’s most obvious about Tulsi
Gabbard is never mentioned in the article. Yet it’s absolutely
the first thing anyone notices about her. Tulsi Gabbard is a
beautiful woman.

If she were Black, if she were Muslim, even, perhaps, if she
were fat, the New York Times might reference those attributes.
What’s more, such references could confer on Tulsi Gabbard
some of today’s requisite victim identity. The present article
might at least have mentioned the fact that Tulsi Gabbard is
Hindu. But the general animosity of the piece was such that
no quarter would be given. I believe that the foundation of that
animosity was the candidate’s physical attractiveness. Again,
her beauty is the obvious thing about her, and for that very
reason it can't even be mentioned. It's too horrible.

I first noticed this tendency in the media following the death,
in 1982, of the actress Grace Kelly. One of the TV networks
aired a half-hour program featuring celebrities who had known
her. Not one of them mentioned the fact that she was a beautiful
woman. The irony was, if she hadn’t been a beautiful woman
nobody would ever have heard of Grace Kelly.

In the ancient world, in Northern Europe and also in South America,
beautiful young girls were subjected to sacrifice. Whatever honor
might have been ascribed to this, it was a good way of getting rid
of a potentially disruptive character, and even of punishing her for
being what she was. When the remains of a sacrificed girl were
discovered in Peru, that dog Bill Clinton uncouthly stated, “There’s
one good-looking mummy.” Impeach him!

In a 1980s shampoo commercial, a model begged, “Don’t hate me
because I’m beautiful.” It was a joke but she deserved to be hated.
If she were any good, she’d be fat.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/12/us/politics/tulsi-gabbard.html?searchResultPosition=2

That's What I Thought (by Mitch Sisskind)

Everybody has a tragic story
And I have one of those too. 
Would you like to hear it 
For a couple of hours on an 
Economy class flight to LA?
Haha that’s what I thought!

Or let’s talk about money.
Just by looking at people
It’s hard to tell how much
Money they have. Do you 
Think I have a lot of money? 
Haha that’s what I thought!

Or let’s talk about sex.
Just by looking at people
It’s hard to tell how much 
Sex they’re getting. Do you 
Think I’m getting a lot of sex?
Haha that’s what I thought!

Or let’s talk about death.
Just looking at people
It’s hard to tell whether
They’re dead or alive but
If you wait long enough 
You’ll be right eventually

The way a stopped clock
Is right twice a day or blind
Pigs find truffles. Do you
Think I’m alive or am I dead?
Haha that’s what I thought!
But haha what about now?

 

 

 

 

From "Voices of Mississippi 1957" (by Mitch Sisskind)

Reed Polifax
University Student

In Mississippi the Polifax name commands
Respect so I need to be careful about whom
I marry and that is the reason I pledged
Phi Delta Theta -- not that there was
Ever any doubt I would pledge Phi Delt
Since my daddy and his daddy before him
Were also brothers of Phi Delta Theta.

You get your pick of desirable women in
The most prestigious sororities when you
Are a brother in Phi Delta Theta particularly
If your name is Polifax, just as the women
In those sororities know they get their pick
Of the most desirable men if they are sisters
Of sororities like Tri Delt or Delta Gamma.

On a typical football weekend before the game
We will be drinking in the Grove with the girls
There naturally gravitating to the Phi Delts
And before the Vandy game there were lots of
Delta Gammas there and I was being sociable
But not revealing that my last name is Polifax
Or of course they would instantly smell blood.

However there was something about this one
Delta Gamma who without batting her eyelashes
Was unusually bewitching notwithstanding and
As we began the usual barnyard mating dance
I let it drop: “My name by the way is Reed Polifax”
To which she replied, “Well, bless your heart,
“Dear, my name is Floride Calhoun Bondurrant!”

Washington Janes
Groundskeeper

At Parchman the assistant warden
Took me under his wing and I learned
To drive the tractors and fix them if
Something went wrong with them.

It was the best thing that ever happened
To me because one day the boss man
From Greenhill’s farm came and asked
Could anybody at Parchman drive a tractor.

I was under a life sentence you know
But the assistant warden pointed at me
And said I can drive so they let me go
But money must have changed hands.

I got along fine with the boss man at
Greenhill’s farm except they paid me
Just one dollar a day with some food
And I lived in a converted chicken coop.

One day the boss man said to me,
“Is this a good tractor we got here?”
I said, “Yes, the Deere Model 60 is
“A good tractor, nothing wrong with it.”

He said, “You seem to know a lot“
About tractors. Mister Greenhill
Would like to speak with you.
“He’ll come by your coop about six.”

That evening Mister Greenhill said,
“I’m closely associated with Ole Miss.
“They’re putting in a whole new turf
“For the Ole Miss football stadium.

“They’ve got a P9600 lateral-move
“Sprinkler rig on wheels so they need
“Somebody to drive a tractor to pull
“The rig to wet down the football field.

“Recently I donated one of the new
“Deere thirty-five horsepower tractors
“That came out this year. You’ll need
“To familiarize yourself with it, Wash.”

I wasn’t sure quite what he meant
But then he said, “In other words,
“I want to get you a groundskeeping
“Job at Ole Miss. That ok with you?”

“Well, yes, it definitely is,” I said,
And we grinned at one another
“Thank you, thank you. The tractor
“Will be in very good hands.”

“I know it will be. Oh, one other thing.
“Are you married, Wash?” So I said,
“I got a wife but I’m not sure where
“She’s at since I went to Parchman.”

“Well, while you are at the university
“Best to keep your eyes on the tractor,
“You know what I mean?” Still grinning
When he said it and I kept grinning too.

Floride Calhoun Bondurrant
University Student

Even if I am now a mere college student
I am aware, grateful, and very proud that
My mother and father bestowed upon me
The name Floride Calhoun in the hope
And expectation that I will acquit myself
Worthily of my namesake Floride Calhoun,
Daughter of Senator John E. Calhoun and
Later the wife of Senator John C. Calhoun,
The Secretary of State, the Secretary of War,
And the Vice-President of the United States.

Floride and her husband had ten children
In eighteen years so obviously she and 
John C. Calhoun were busy as husband
And wife but none of the children lived
Long except their daughter Anna Maria
Who by and by married Thomas Clemson
Who inherited the Calhoun family’s plantation
Upon the death of Anna Maria and when
Thomas himself eventually passed away
He willed it to become Clemson University.

Sometimes people think I am putting on airs
When I tell about my name but I am always
Honest about not being a blood descendant of
The original Floride Calhoun and what of it?
My parents wanted to give me something to
Live up to and the more I learn about Floride
The more I want to be like her -- not by having
Ten children but by never complaining as she
Never complained while managing a plantation
When her husband was gone a lot of the time.

Floride Calhoun got herself and John C. Calhoun
Kicked out of Washington because Floride didn’t
Approve of how a woman married a rich Senator
Too soon after her husband died and for how
She messed around with the rich Senator even
While her husband was alive. Later the woman
Had her picture on a cigar box. The woman
Was known as a fizgig which is a firecracker
That makes a sizzle noise when the fuse is lit
But the word fizgig also used to mean a slut.

I don’t need to marry a hugely prominent man
Like John C. Calhoun but I do want a man
That is classy and successful like my father
Who is a businessman in Senatobia and is
Kind of like the big fish in a small pond.
My sister also goes to Ole Miss and we
Compare notes about guys we meet and
What guys are like from different fraternities.
Her name is Varina, the name of the wife of
Jefferson Davis the President of the CSA.