Photo by Lera Auerbach
(1)
The problem with the future is that it is unforeseeable –
the great unknown is full of opportunities for dreadful disasters.
Their multitudes are inexhaustible.
The stars are the pores of our reality.
They shine because that’s how we see the light of another world.
The Arctic fox dances its foxy dance, pretending to be a woman,
pretending to be a nurse.
The seal waits underwater. It knows it is being hunted.
The stars are not the pores; they are pills,
round white pills the woman-fox is giving me.
Pills for pain, pills for sleep, pills for blood pressure,
pills for muscle aches, pills for adrenal gland function,
pills for inflammation or rather against inflammation,
pills for/against nausea. And steroids.
And more pills for pain. Killers of pain.
(How many universes did I swallow today?)
(2)
Everyone is very kind to me. So kind, it breaks my heart.
Everyone is doing their best. Or his or her best.
I feel generous with the pronouns. I think pronouns are so yesterday.
So are all nationalities, religions, sexes, and any other boxes of definitions, including self-definitions.
If everyone were so kind, there would be no need for any of these limiting concepts.
I understand how beautiful it would be, how connective, how whole and wholesome,
and it breaks my heart that it is not yet universally so.
I cry from the unbearable weight of my love that I cannot express.
My husband, concerned, asks if I’m in pain.
“No, on the contrary,” I try to explain what I feel. “I understand what it means to be ‘we.’
I am the seal; I am the fish it ate; I’m the polar bear waiting for the seal to breathe;
I’m the polar bear hunter, waiting for the polar bear to strike the seal.
I’m the polar bear hunter’s mother, wishing to feed the polar bear
so that the bear could feed her son one day; I am the polar bear hunter’s girlfriend,
enjoying the safety of the aroma of the Lancôme perfume.
I am the surgeon searching for the patient who has his initials drawn on her belly.
I am the patient praying to be her surgeon’s masterpiece.”
(“You are on drugs. It’s the painkillers,” says my husband.)
(3)
Where do all lost things go?
Perhaps, lost things are dislocated not in space but in time.
It is why something may disappear and then later appear right in front of your eyes –
where you have already looked for it and more than once.
Instead of moving in space, they fall into the holes in the fabric of time.
Because time is made of porous material and things may fall through.
Sometimes things reappear, moved back by some internal tides;
at other times, they disappear without a trace,
and new strange things appear instead.
It is hard to hold on to your belongings when they keep falling
through the porous realities of time and space.
It’s quite difficult, especially lately, to hold on to myself
with all these electrons, protons, and neutrons misbehaving as particles
and waves the moment you try to observe what they’re doing.
Just think of all the effort my poor self needs to put together
in order to hold some kind of a recognizable shape of a body
instead of just becoming a soundwave or melting into a puddle.
(No wonder I feel exhausted all the time.)
(4)
Yesterday I learned there is such a thing as repulsive gravity.
By repulsive, I don’t mean ugly or unpleasant.
Apparently, gravity can be not only attractive,
thus attracting things ever closer the way earth
doesn’t let us float away and fall into space,
but also repulsive, meaning always repelling things
further and further away.
In all likelihood, this universe was made by such repulsive impulse,
resulting in the Big Bang and all its consequences.
It is why we are still expanding, universally speaking.
(Just think of it: all we are is a hiccup of some repulsive shudder.)
(5)
Time in the hospital – sleepless nights, leg compressors, IV drips,
blood-pressure measurements, vital signs checks every hour, medications.
You wish to sleep, but your sleep is continuously interrupted by machines, nurses,
and your own body. You melt one drop at a time and float restlessly in the night.
And you still need to repeat your name and date of birth
each time you are given the meds. You swallow a bunch of stars
and start feeling that the repulsive gravity which made the Big Bang
is just around the corner, and the reversal could happen at any moment.
You are internally running extremely fast while not moving at all.
(And you’re still naked under the hospital robe.)